(no subject)

[serene]

So lately I've been alluding to some health and food issues that I might want to talk about, but not here. Talking about food and health is hard to do when you're an unapologetic fat person who doesn't diet or participate in the diet mentality, and is still sensitive to those in her life who have eating disorders or other issues around food. Now, I've decided not to talk about this stuff in my food blog, because I'm tired of seeing veganism used as a euphemism for orthorexia, and I'm reluctant to talk about it here, because I am tired of seeing stuff that reminds me of diet talk on LJ, and I don't want to contribute to anything that even appears to be that kind of talk here.

So I dunno. Cut tags? Yet another LJ? A different blog? Dunno.

And then it dawns on me -- the reason this is twigging all my diet-mentality buzzers is because it IS a diet mentality thing. Every time I associate my health issues with what I'm eating, I AM getting into diet headspace (this is not necessarily true of anyone but me).

Thinking/talking about changing my eating habits is always a red flag for me. It means, for me, that I have left my good headspace, the one where food and health are a default state of abundance, and gone into the bad headspace where something I am eating feels wrong or bad or like it will harm my health.

And what it is now, what's scaring me into that headspace, is that I have a thyroid tumor that appears to be growing, and I have scared myself into wanting to zap it away by making sure nothing I put into my mouth is unhealthy. It doesn't work that way. Food isn't that powerful. What I eat on a day-to-day basis is good, healthful, nutritious, life-giving food, and I don't need to punish myself for having a medical condition by withholding anything from myself.

Nothing wrong with choosing the best, most healthful food I can find to feed myself with. Nothing wrong with making sure I move my body on a regular basis -- those are things I like doing anyway. But I feel so so grateful for the red flag I've installed in my brain that says "Hey, you're thinking about going on a diet, even if you're not calling it that, and what the hell is THAT about??"

Because that red flag points out my fear, and then I can deal with my fear and move on, and I am really really happy about that.