(no subject)

[serene]

So lately I've been alluding to some health and food issues that I might want to talk about, but not here. Talking about food and health is hard to do when you're an unapologetic fat person who doesn't diet or participate in the diet mentality, and is still sensitive to those in her life who have eating disorders or other issues around food. Now, I've decided not to talk about this stuff in my food blog, because I'm tired of seeing veganism used as a euphemism for orthorexia, and I'm reluctant to talk about it here, because I am tired of seeing stuff that reminds me of diet talk on LJ, and I don't want to contribute to anything that even appears to be that kind of talk here.

So I dunno. Cut tags? Yet another LJ? A different blog? Dunno.

And then it dawns on me -- the reason this is twigging all my diet-mentality buzzers is because it IS a diet mentality thing. Every time I associate my health issues with what I'm eating, I AM getting into diet headspace (this is not necessarily true of anyone but me).

Thinking/talking about changing my eating habits is always a red flag for me. It means, for me, that I have left my good headspace, the one where food and health are a default state of abundance, and gone into the bad headspace where something I am eating feels wrong or bad or like it will harm my health.

And what it is now, what's scaring me into that headspace, is that I have a thyroid tumor that appears to be growing, and I have scared myself into wanting to zap it away by making sure nothing I put into my mouth is unhealthy. It doesn't work that way. Food isn't that powerful. What I eat on a day-to-day basis is good, healthful, nutritious, life-giving food, and I don't need to punish myself for having a medical condition by withholding anything from myself.

Nothing wrong with choosing the best, most healthful food I can find to feed myself with. Nothing wrong with making sure I move my body on a regular basis -- those are things I like doing anyway. But I feel so so grateful for the red flag I've installed in my brain that says "Hey, you're thinking about going on a diet, even if you're not calling it that, and what the hell is THAT about??"

Because that red flag points out my fear, and then I can deal with my fear and move on, and I am really really happy about that.

Comments

[skywhisperer.livejournal.com]

I had the same issues when I started working out last year - I wanted to talk about it as a way to work out how I felt, but I had a lot of friends who really would rather have not heard about it. I started with a custom friends group, but eventually I did start another journal (because I wanted to easily be able to seperate out the posts. Tags would have been another good solution). I posted one announcement in my journal, and people who want to read about it do, and a few have even joined it.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah. My point is that I *don't* want to talk about it -- even the realization that I want to talk a lot about food and health together is a signal to me (not saying anything about anyone else) that I've got a case of diet-mentality.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Best wishes in dealing with this current health challenge. I want to say, Serene, that I really admire your self-acceptance and ability to separate out the food and health issues. I aspire to be more like you in this regard.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You're very kind.

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

Huh, the word "orthorexia" was a new one to me, and when I saw the web-page doctor's name I was expecting to find a hot tattooed bald guy, oh well!

You're definitely an inspiring person who loves/creates/enjoys good healthy and luscious (or substitute word of choice) food, relationships, poetry, etc. etc. etc., and also always sensitive to other people's issues and needs. I think you have a lot to be dealing with here, which does include that your food needs or preferences may change (as they can for anyone as their lives change), but no way is this going to drive you off the deep end in terms of starting to post anything that looks like airheaded insensitive diet talk. So putting health-and-food-issues talk behind cut tags should take care of anyone who isn't in a space where they want to see it right now, and you can concentrate on taking care of *yourself*. Having a tumor has got to be scary for you and everyone else -- I hope you are finding good treatments and medical practitioners for it, and you always have lots of people here and elsewhere to listen to anything you would want to say about it.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for always being on my side (and I don't mean that in any sycophantic, icky way). :-)

[snippy]

I support you in this. Just not writing very well today due to lack of sleep or I'd attempt a beautiful composition that meant the same thing.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah-- that's a really powerful reason to be scared, and noticing the... symptoms, basically, of being scared. I love when people are able to dig and find the root causes of stuff. Makes me more hopeful I can do better with that as time goes on, myself.

I'm really glad to know you can, or are in the process of being able to, deal with that fear. And I get why feeding it with posting more about it wouldn't be helpful.

*hug*, if that'd be welcome, or somethin' else (like tea!) if not.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I think it's hard to find the line between processing my shit and contributing to my shit by processing stuff that's a smokescreen for what's actually going on.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I think you do that better than most, dear one. And it is hard.

[marci-ny.livejournal.com]

(((Hugs)))

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *hugsback*

[berkeleyfarm.livejournal.com]

"Orthorexia" is indeed a slippery thing. I see the foodie version of it from my end of the spectrum and have to be careful to not slip into it myself. Mind you, being that kind of orthorexic is more "precious" than anything else, but it's still ... not a good thing.

But I think your realization is good. I get into those spaces myself occasionally and realizing what I'm doing helps me snap out of it and go back to the "it's all good", abundance rather than deprivation mentality.

peace, out!

[hfnuala.livejournal.com]

That's actually a very good summary of some stuff I've had in my head recently. Well done for catching yourself and good luck in working out how to deal with the health issues.

[lcohen]

eep!

*hugs you lots*

i am thinking about food constantly lately because i am doing all this cooking. and yes, i do twig a little on it. so this was a good thing to read.

take care of yourself, love. this sounds scary so no wonder you're scared.

*hugs more*