Serene of the Oakland Serenes

Three actual events from the past week or so, put forward as an example of how and how not to respond when you're called out on your -isms:

1) Friendly acquaintance, white, posts a joke on her Facebook whose punchline relies on how "white" Michael Jackson was. I point out that it's rude and racially insensitive to make comments about how someone is or is not black enough. Her friends tell me to get a sense of humor. She tells me she's not racist. I unfriend her, not as a punishment, but because, really, who needs it, and we weren't close or anything. This is her response, locked down so I can't answer: "Out of 830 friends on FB, you were the only person who found that Michael Jackson comment racist. It wasn't. You took it in a way that it was not intended. I apologize for having offended you, but if I didn't rank high enough on your respect list for you to give me the benefit of the doubt, I'm better off not having you in my life anyway."

2) Friend posts a wordplay joke on his Facebook whose punchline relies on the assumption that being fat is a horrible thing that should be avoided. I point out that it's a fatphobic joke and I dislike it (okay, I may have said "Yuck! Fatphobia! Ptui!"). He says, "Oh, wow, sorry. Should've seen that. I took it down. Thanks for pointing it out." I reply, "Thanks. No worries; if I know you, you were focused on the wordplay."

3) Family member talks about "gay marriage." I say "Not gay marriage, same-sex (or same-gender) marriage," and he says "Right. Thanks for the correction." The conversation continues normally.

My point? That I'm always right and it doesn't pay to disagree with me.

No, wait, that's wrong.

My point? That we all say stupid shit sometimes -- yes, even (or perhaps especially) I do! -- but the best response when you have that pointed out is not "No way, you're being oversensitive. No one ELSE thought it was stupid!" but "Oh, wow, yeah. Sorry."

I can't count the times I've had to say "Oops, I fucked up. Sorry about that. I'll try harder." I could make you a MUCH longer list about the times I've had to say "Sorry for dismissing you. Sorry for using sexist/racist/whateverist language." Every time I've said it, it's felt less like I was a complete failure, and more like I was doing a good job at being a grown-up and taking responsibility for my flawed behavior. And I hope it means I'm more careful about that kind of thing now. When I offend people, I want it to be on purpose, and I want it to be the Powers That Be that are getting my barbs, not the people who are the targets of the oppression I claim to be fighting.

Things I have relived through tagging today:

The roller-coaster of my impending breakup with cute-poet-chick.

The breakup itself.

The rise and fall of a few ill-conceived projects. (Remember serenefood?)

Loving my San Diego job and being really conflicted about staying there.

The wonderful, joyful beginnings of my relationships with stonebender, someotherguy, and sogwife.

The hints of a relationship with intenselaura, who was called
"the crush" back then.

And my really huge capacity for finding joy, even in deep sadness. I have
been really grateful to see that about myself. I rock. (sogwife, I'll take that flower now.)

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?

I loved them all. Still do. Especially Superman and Batman and Spiderman and Batgirl and Jamie Sommers, but I liked them *all*.

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?

I can't think of anything.

3. What's the furthest from home you've been?

Spain, though that was home then.

4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet?

How to really play the guitar.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?

Coffee and/or brunch with someotherguy and his wife tomorrow morning, shopping trip with mom tomorrow afternoon, some time with the munchkins at some point, and Sunday hanging out with my girl.

...or even if I want it to last, but I clicked an LJ link out of reflex today and found that for some reason, LJ isn't blocked at work any more. Hmm.

At any rate, mostly out of my post-con slump. Feeling like I want to invite more touch and comfortable-companionship (and maybe romance?) into my life, because being around people all weekend, people I could just hang with or touch, was really really good for me. I wouldn't call myself touch-starved, exactly, since I seem to do fine with what I get, but it was restorative and beautiful, and I want More More More. Oh, great, earworm. But anyway, I want more flirting in my life, and more touching, and more hanging out, and basically more friends. I don't really have any local friends who aren't "couple-friends" or family. Again, I do fine with what I get, but I want more.

Speaking of friends, gonna see trinker tonight, if all goes as planned. Maybe cook something simple, maybe jacuzzi for a while, maybe just hang out and chatter at each other. It's been too long.

I have this other LJ that I used a lot when I first set it up, but then found that it was weird to keep logging off and logging on as another person, as though the stuff I was talking about there was not part of who I am here, so I've let it languish. I enjoy being all me, all the time. And speaking of being all me, there's a part of my inner life that I only share with a few people, and I've been wondering how much I want to invest in talking about it with others. If the inner becomes outer, naturally I will share it with people close to me, but where do I draw the line? (Example that's not the actual thing under consideration: Say I had BDSM fantasies, but no desire to ever live them out or even to share them with anyone. Should I tell my partner? Should I tell others? I mean, I know that if I decided to live out some of the fantasies, I would want to be out about that, but if it was purely hypothetical? Dunno.)

Eating a terrific walnut-grain loaf with a wonderful mushroom gravy. I swear sometimes that I could live on mushroom gravy. Mmmmmm.

Work is pleasant, as usual, and the ocean taunts me with its breeze and its glimmeryshimmer.

The munchkins started school today. Munchkin The Elder was late; no big surprise, since zir mom isn't exactly Ms. On The Ball. But still, bummer being late for the first day of middle school.

Had more productive and loving talks with cute-poet-chick. And we looked for (and found, we think) a new place to move to. More space, a washer/dryer in the unit, and about twice the rent. It's a big step for her, and I think it means she really does feel like we have a future together.

Talked a *lot* about our poly issues, but I think that's something I'll save for alt.poly.

Mmmmm, water.

Can't get into my webmail right now, so I think I'll go surf around LJ for the rest of my lunch half-hour.

Been making this list for more years than I can count.

Five things that are good about me:
1. I am willing to work hard at making myself a better person.
2. I am loyal.
3. I am smart.
4. I am flexible (in more ways than one).
5. I am accepting of others.

Five things I'm grateful for:
1. Usenet.
2. Equanimity.
3. That I'm employed.
4. My mother.
5. The relative ease of my (white, middle-classed, privileged) life.

Five people or animals who love me without reservation:
1. My niblings (that's twelve right there)
2. Tommy the cat
3. Mom
4.&5. (see #1)

Five times in recent memory when I was happy/joyful/contented:
1. When I awoke just knowing how my YA novel would end.
2. When I figured out how to use the LJ client from work without installing it on the hard drive.
3. When I met with Charles yesterday and he and I spent an exhilarating hour trashing the commodification of queers that masquerades as San Diego Pride.
4. When mom handed me the guitar she bought for me at a yard sale because she felt bad that mine had been stolen.
5. The entire time I was listening to "Steady Pull" yesterday.

Five things I'm good at:
1. Knowing what I need to get better at.
2. Acknowledging when someone else is right.
3. Pushing my boundaries.
4. Crochet.
5. Sex.

It's a decadent day.

( This is a little long )