Serene of the Oakland Serenes

I want to write this, but I don't want anyone to feel compelled to read it, so here, have some cut tags!

( Work stress )

( MtY stress )

( MtE stress )

( Mom stress )

I'm thinking of getting therapy just to have someone to talk to about all the stress. The good thing (honest, I see it as a good thing) is that most of the stress is basically external to me -- my days are generally easy and pleasant, and everyone who's not me may be melting down, but all my stress is in the way of a contact low, as it were. Other than being in a sandwich-generation holding pattern (when will the next phase of my life begin? no one knows), things are pretty good. I'm making more money than I ever have, I love my work, I get lots of downtime to read and hang out with James and mom, and my health is better than it's been in years. So yeah, if the universe could just leave my loved ones in peace, that'd be great.

I have been super-productive lately. Wrote a 40K-word novel draft in a week. Managed doctor appointments and medical drama at home, and [redacted] at work. Just sitting down to copyedit a book by one of my clients who writes interesting niche nonfiction. And I'm decluttering in preparation for a yard sale we're planning to have after mom's surgery is done.

I know part of being able to do all this is that my chronic pain levels are low-ish lately.

I'll take it.

My sister died yesterday, a few minutes after Munchkin The Elder left to pick up his father from the doctor. She died while being given CPR, which strikes me as a violent kind of way to go, but she had been unconscious for hours at the time, so I doubt she felt anything.

Today, James and I will go to the hospital to fetch her belongings. Monday, the social worker will contact me about arrangements for her disposition.

The kids are fine. James and I are fine. My mom is alternately fine and wrecked, which will probably be the way of things for a while.

We lost her a long, long time ago. There's some finality in the past day's events, but not much has changed.

Munchkin the Younger came up yesterday to check in, to tell me that I am her real mother, and to get comfort in talking to someone who understands not having any emotion left for the person we lost all those years ago.

I'm sorry there was no way for us to reach her. I'm sorry her life was sad and hard, and that she caused so much damage in our family.

Lately, we are in a kind of limbo on the issue of home. I mean, we're living with our family, which means we have a home, but we're in their space, which means we don't always feel at home. Partly because of this, or perhaps mainly because of this, we go out driving a lot. If we lived someplace walkable, we'd probably be out walking a lot.

Anyway.

This morning, we got up, ate, got showered, and drove an hour or so to Julian, a local mountain town famous for its apples. They have an apple festival every year, and their apple pies are an iconic San Diego treat. We wandered their main street, checked out their antique shops and other stores, had kick-ass barbecue (the best smoked ribs either of us has ever eaten), and bought some pie and raw cider to take home. I also bought two Georgette Heyer books to take home, from a little bookshop with a chatty owner.

We got there at 10 to a very sleepy town. A little after noon, when we left, it was clear they were just beginning some kind of holiday street festival or something. We happily skedaddled out of there.

After that, James wanted to do some more antiquing, so we went to Ramona, another local town that has lots of little antique malls and shops. They were also having a holiday craft fair in their town hall, which was delightful. I bought TARDIS hair clips and we got some old-timey candy from the antique store. We talked and laughed and admired pretty women and held hands and discovered things.

And I was far away from the place I live, which itself is a temporary lodging.

And I was home.

Good, if unproductive weekend. Came home from work on Friday in a foul temper (I assume from relief at the end of both my own school quarter and our students' semester, which was especially hard for me this time around because I was finding people scribes for their finals. I think I just had a mini-meltdown from its being finally over), and it took me until yesterday morning to feel vaguely like myself again.

This week, I have to work Monday/Wednesday/Friday, but my boss is not here and my file clerk is, so I think I'll be able to get lots of work done. I hope so! It would be awesome to be able to greet my boss next month with the files in order; they've gotten so bad with all the work turmoil.

Got to go to Costco with wild_irises yesterday, which was fun, and have spent some time cooking and cleaning and exercising, but lots more time staring into space and playing computer games than usual. Which, of course, is okay. If my dad gets here on Saturday morning and my house is a wreck, hell, he lived with me for 14 years; it will not be news to him.

We are liking the Bowflex. It's easy to use and was fairly easy to put together. It takes up a HUGE amount of space, so it's good that we have a big living room and no sofa.

sogwife has to have surgery this week (I don't feel okay talking about the details; that's her story, but my story is...) and I'm worried for her, but also glad she's able to have it done. I wish I had the wherewithal to go up and hold her hand and stuff, but honestly, I'm standing

righthere

and the end of my rope is

                           rightoverthere

My dad and stepmom will only be here for one day, the 24th -- they leave the morning of the 25th -- and then when they're gone, I have one week off from EVERYTHING: school, work, and obligations. I will be broke, but that's okay. I will be in my house, with my family, recovering. I can hold out for one week until that happens. Pretty sure. Probably.

The kid's grades come out on January 3rd, according to her school's website. I'm actually kind of glad I don't have to deal with that conversation until after Christmas and her birthday. I'm not feeling anxious about it, but I still don't think it'll be easy. Unless somehow I'm completely wrong and she didn't actually drop out of school without telling me. Again. I mean, there are people who manage to get good grades without going to class, right?

1) Probably sick. Fortunately, also off work for a few days.

2) maevele speaks for me.

3) Listening to an album start to finish. I don't do that much. Really enjoying it.

4) The boyfiend and the kid cleaned the house yesterday, so when I got home from a late and frustrating day at work, there was clean and peace to come home to. I love them a very huge lot.

5) I keep looking at my financial aid offer letter and shaking my head with disbelief. It's a lot of money, and a lot of help in making my long-awaited dream come true. I am in awe.

6) That said, I really really really am feeling impatient for April 29th to come, so that I can know where I'll be going to school!

Thank you, everyone. The day got much better as soon as my local family woke up. Several things made the day better as it went along:

The kid made me tea with milk and sugar and was sweet to me.

Both boyfriends were, as always, sweet to me. Sense a theme?

loracs was sweet to me.

Then james_huber and I took the kid to Best Buy, then the grocery store for Mom Food stuff, then home, in the Zipcar. Have I mentioned I love Zipcar?

Oh, and on the way to get the Zipcar? Dance flashmob!

Walked the 2 miles home from the Zipcar lot, bought a jacket and some burgers on the way, and just talked about how I wished I'd awakened everyone sooner to make me feel better.

And somewhere along the line, got a hint that I'm probably really hormonal today, which would help explain at least some of the crying.

And james_huber and wtfpotatoes cleaned the kitchen! You have no idea how depressing it is to me when the house is a pit. It's still a pit, but at least the kitchen is lovely, so I can cook tomorrow!

Talked with the kid for a long time about how complicated her emotions about her mother are, but I interrupted too much, so I hope I get a chance to do it again soon, with more listening.

Now I'll sit and veg for a while and write a blog post or six.

How was YOUR day? Anything joyful happen to you, with you, because of you?

1) I am facing my finances without flinching, at long last, and it's less painful every day. My net worth is in the red right now by approximately $10k ($4k in student loans; a few thousand in medical bills from when I was uninsured; a few thousand in loans from family members -- I'll know more accurately when I've gathered up all those long-ignored medical bills and start answering the phone when creditors call -- but thankfully, no high-interest debt like credit cards or car payments); I hope to go into the black by this time next year. More later if I feel up for it, but that's my basic goal, and we'll see how it goes. It won't be easy, seeing as how I made around $16K this year (and mom sent me another $5K or so to help with child-rearing expenses), but I think it could be doable, especially if I pursue freelance work more diligently and/or get a raise, which is a possibility.

2) The kid has been playing the piano on and off for a couple hours. I love it.

3) Summer hit Berkeley yesterday. It's actually been hot here. I wish I could ship some of this to my friends who are still in winter.

4) Is it silly that the thing I'm most excited about re: the tax refund is that someotherguy and I can get our dental work done?

5) Today is the birthday of both sogwife and my baby brother. They're a year apart, and as different as two people can be, but I love them both. Tomorrow night is the traditional birthday corned-beef-and-cabbage dinner. :-)

6) My dad friended me on Facebook, and minutes later someone posted this, which I had to share, but I will confess to having paused for a minute before hitting send. :-)

7) The magazine lost $632 in 2009. That feels like a respectable first year to me. It puts the thing squarely where I said it was, which was "moderately expensive hobby". I know people who spend more than that on yarn and beads in a year, so I don't feel too bad about it. If I revive the magazine, and I hope I will be able to, I will have to be a LOT better about keeping records, though, and not just dumping receipts into a file drawer. Taxes took way too long this year. Normally, I've got them done by the first week of February.

8) And speaking of recordkeeping, I found an excellent piece of money-tracking software for linux called GnuCash, and I love it! I actually had to brush up on double-entry bookkeeping before using the software, but the documentation is so good that I was able to do that in an afternoon, and the software is very robust and does everything I need it to. Suck that, mint.com.

9) Tomorrow is medical-stuff day: EKG, echocardiogram, and thyroid blood tests. I tell you, if I keel over, it won't be because doctors weren't trying to figure out how to keep me alive.

10) I really love our Farm Fresh To You CSA. I had to scale back on the size of the box (back to regular from one size bigger), but that's because I've been busy and not cooking as much. That'll probably change now that Disability Awareness Week and the taxes are over.

Take one week. Add driving rain and hail. Stir in the first week of college, a mom in the hospital, chest pains, lack of sleep, a death in my community at work, tragedies in Haiti, and a street closed off because of a shootout, and you get a really stressed Serene.

However.

Mix in the love and support of a big family, the Best Job Ever, and the potential for a substantial tax refund, and things don't look quite as gloomy.

( That's the short-and-sweet version; this is the detailed version, which you're forgiven if you don't feel like reading. The important parts first: Mom is fine. I am fine. The kid likes school. )

1) My adorable and crazy neighbor, worthyadvisor, is swimming the Tiburon Mile THIS SUNDAY (!) for Hospice. Even if you can't donate -- or can only donate a tiny bit -- you have to see her donation page. The adorableness is massive. She's also auctioning off some awesome stuff to raise more donations.

2) I keep trying to say stuff about my increasing withdrawal into myself, and this hermitage of mine, but all that keeps coming out is "Yes, I still love you all. I wish I had it in me to see you. I just don't. Sorry."

3) The Best Job Ever continues to be fabulous. My mom continues to be sick. stonebender's dad continues to be very sick with leukemia. dbubley continues to have cancer. Basically, what was good before is still good, and what sucked still sucks. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better, I truly do.

4) This weekend was a tonic for me. Except to go for walks and shop for food, I didn't leave the house. I made vegan carrot cake and cooked dinners and cleaned and paid magazine bills and clipped coupons and zoned out in front of the computer and read The Graveyard Book and got some peace. It was really wonderful, and it reinforced for me that this whole hermitage thing is, for now, really working for me. I have a book club commitment this week, but no commitments otherwise, and that's a good thing.

5) On Monday, the kid starts her figure drawing class at Cal. I'm very excited about it. I think she is, too, when she's not mad at me.

6) A few weeks ago, I started eating a different way in order to be proactive about the side effects of my medication, and WOW! Hermitage or no hermitage, I have So. Much. Energy. I'm cooking and cleaning and going for walks. I'm getting maybe 5-6 hours of sleep, on average, and feeling great. And I almost never have joint pain or heart palpitations now. This may all be a coincidence, but I'll take it.