My sister

[serene]

If you and I are close, you probably remember first hearing about my sister and being kind of surprised that my feelings for her range from deep apathy (almost all the time) to raging anger/hatred (during any of the crises in my family that she caused or precipitated over the years). Mostly, once the kids I helped raise were 18, she hasn't affected my life in any direct, practical way, but her fingers are in most of the shitty turns my family's lives have taken, for as long as I can remember.

She's in ICU right now, unlikely to regain consciousness, unlikely to live out this day, and I'm sorry that she had such a mean, small, painful life, but I'm not at all sorry that she'll be gone, because it's hard to cause fresh hurt and injury once you've died. Not impossible, but hard.

I'll go with my mom this evening so she can say good-bye. For myself, I don't find it necessary; Barbara's been out of my life since my kid turned 18 (gosh, almost 8 years ago), and for the last couple years, she was in prison, so there's nothing to say good-bye to. For my mom, this is so so so fraught. She blames herself for my sister's mental illness, dissipation, and alienation. She feels like if she'd been a better mother, it would have gone better.

Honestly, my mom was a better mother to my sister than to me -- children who act up often get more attention and effort than the compliant, goody-two-shoes ones. I haven't made any secret of my sorrow over my mother's mistakes in parenting, but they're not the reason my sister is who she is. Not saying none of it was ever a factor. Just that picking one person as the cause of another's bad deeds is pretty much never the way to bet.

Anyway, I'm totally fine, emotionally. I'm just feeling pensive about the ripple effects we all have on the people in our circles, even years after we have any contact at all, and I'm feeling a renewed desire to be a positive force in my loved one's lives, instead of a negative one.

Comments

[stonebender]

Oh Buttercup, I hope things go in such a way that everyone finds some peace. As always you are in my thoughts. Love you both.

[serene]

Love you!

[tiger_spot]

It sounds like you don't really need them now, but here are some internet hugs to pass on to your mom and the kids, and here are some wrapped in a neat little bow for whoever needs them later.

[serene]

♥

[jae]

I hope your kid is doing reasonably well under the circumstances, and that this is not as fraught for her as for your mother!

-J

[serene]

She processed her grief years ago. She feels about how I do, including being worried about my mom. Thank you!

[eeyorerin]

That sounds hard in the sense of having to support your mother.

I know what it's like to be glad that someone will be out of range to cause hurt. I hope for peace for her and for all of you.

[julian]

It's complicated, though I get that most of your emotion is not in Fraught-land. I hope you can both support your mom and get some space of your own, though you seem fairly good at that.

Glad the kiddo's OK, and yes indeed on the positive force.

[hobbitbabe]

I love you. I hope this transition brings peace and good.

[onyxlynx]

Peace to all concerned.

[chrishansenhome]

I'm really sorry to hear it. Virtual ehugs to you and your family as you come to terms with this. I'll keep you all in thought.

[j00j]

Love to your family who are finding this difficult, and I hear you on the positive force thing.

[pameladean]

I saw your tweet before I saw this entry, and suddenly remembered a whole raft of situations caused by your sister that you had discussed in some of the venues we share or shared. Boy howdy, you could hardly get more complicated. I hope this won't be harder on your mom than it has to. Very glad your kid is okay about it; she's the first one I thought of.

P.

[emperor]

I'm sorry, and I hope her passing is as painless as it can be.