Not so hard

[serene]

Three actual events from the past week or so, put forward as an example of how and how not to respond when you're called out on your -isms:

1) Friendly acquaintance, white, posts a joke on her Facebook whose punchline relies on how "white" Michael Jackson was. I point out that it's rude and racially insensitive to make comments about how someone is or is not black enough. Her friends tell me to get a sense of humor. She tells me she's not racist. I unfriend her, not as a punishment, but because, really, who needs it, and we weren't close or anything. This is her response, locked down so I can't answer: "Out of 830 friends on FB, you were the only person who found that Michael Jackson comment racist. It wasn't. You took it in a way that it was not intended. I apologize for having offended you, but if I didn't rank high enough on your respect list for you to give me the benefit of the doubt, I'm better off not having you in my life anyway."

2) Friend posts a wordplay joke on his Facebook whose punchline relies on the assumption that being fat is a horrible thing that should be avoided. I point out that it's a fatphobic joke and I dislike it (okay, I may have said "Yuck! Fatphobia! Ptui!"). He says, "Oh, wow, sorry. Should've seen that. I took it down. Thanks for pointing it out." I reply, "Thanks. No worries; if I know you, you were focused on the wordplay."

3) Family member talks about "gay marriage." I say "Not gay marriage, same-sex (or same-gender) marriage," and he says "Right. Thanks for the correction." The conversation continues normally.

My point? That I'm always right and it doesn't pay to disagree with me.

No, wait, that's wrong.

My point? That we all say stupid shit sometimes -- yes, even (or perhaps especially) I do! -- but the best response when you have that pointed out is not "No way, you're being oversensitive. No one ELSE thought it was stupid!" but "Oh, wow, yeah. Sorry."

I can't count the times I've had to say "Oops, I fucked up. Sorry about that. I'll try harder." I could make you a MUCH longer list about the times I've had to say "Sorry for dismissing you. Sorry for using sexist/racist/whateverist language." Every time I've said it, it's felt less like I was a complete failure, and more like I was doing a good job at being a grown-up and taking responsibility for my flawed behavior. And I hope it means I'm more careful about that kind of thing now. When I offend people, I want it to be on purpose, and I want it to be the Powers That Be that are getting my barbs, not the people who are the targets of the oppression I claim to be fighting.

Comments

[jae]

Two questions I'm pondering after reading this:

1. Do you think the process of causing-offense-and-backing-down should work this way regardless of whether the offended party is offended by something as a result of being a member of an oppressed and/or marginalized group? What if the offense-causing act was more about something individual than cultural? What if the offence-causing act caused offense as a result of the offended party being a member of a powerful group?

2. Is there any time (including, but not limited to, the kinds of times sketched out in my question #1 above) when it is appropriate for an offended party to be told "no way, you're being oversensitive"?

-J

[serene]

1. Not necessarily. Hard to answer that as phrased. No.
2. Probably, but the incidence of those times apears to me to lie at the boundaries of Bullshit Hypothetucal Land.

[flippac]

After a moment's reflection, I suspect it's never appropriate to tell someone they're being oversensitive. If nothing else, it's enough to say you don't care and why without passing judgement on how they feel.

Last time that came up for me I can't say I was especially polite about it though. I was even less polite to the guy who tried to co-opt my impoliteness to back up his sexist BS.

[serene]

Yes, that seems like a good distinction to make.

Also, James and I were discussing this yesterday, and we both feel like I may have missed saying something important about what I think about this: that is, that the point is rarely actually "a person was offended, so I shouldn't say X." Rather, the important part is "X is harmful/discriminatory/inherently offensive, so I shouldn't say it." Sexist language, racist language, heterosexist language, sizeist language -- these things perpetuate oppression, whether or not someone who is hearing them is offended by them. (In fact, it seems to me that most people are not offended at all about, for example, fat-shaming language these days. My friends seem to be exceptions. It's still oppressive language.)

[hobbitbabe]

I really like your post and it is making me think. But sometimes I don't feel like I am convincing enough to make the point "X is inherently offensive and oppressive", so when the other person says "that's not offensive" I say "well, it offended ME", so whether or not they believe it's wrong, good manners requires them to stop saying it around me, and that's a start.

[gramina]

Regarding item #2, I think it may be helpful to distinguish between (a) "I'm sorry, that was wrong of me; I'll try to do better" and (b) "I truly regret having hurt you."

The first is an appropriate response to being called on your shit, where you agree that you screwed up and you hope to get better about it. The second is appropriate whether you believe that what you said was wrong or not; if you've thought about whether or not you were wrong, you may conclude that you weren't, but still regret having spoken or having found it necessary to speak in a way that upset someone. (I do think it's important to distinguish between (b), which I find acceptable, and "I'm sorry you were upset by my perfectly reasonable comment, you oversensitive person you," which is rarely if ever anything but annoying and inappropriate.)