Unexplained flee impulse

[serene]

My life is good.



Work:

If I described what I do all day long, most people would yawn or twitch. It seems like dull, tedious work, I suppose, but I *love* it, and I like my cow-orkers a hell of a lot. I've been here a year, and that's a huge deal to a person who's temped most of her life.

Love:

I've got a wonderful live-in partner who thinks I'm the best person in the world. I have a new sweetie with whom I have an ease I haven't felt with many people in my life. And there are crushes on various people, and new people I've recently met. They all make me feel smart and beautiful and desirable/desired.

Family:

Not everyone can honestly say "my mother is my best friend", but I can. And I have *twelve* niblings who all light up when I walk in the room.

Social life:

It's picking up. Finally dragged myself to a public meeting, and have committed myself to a few more. I'm enjoying stretching my comfort zone a bit.

Health:

As good as it's ever been, and that's good. Anemia is gone, headaches are almost completely banished.


Okay, so why do I feel like running away? Too much new stuff? Too much relationship processing?

Part of it is that I had a difficult talk with someotherguy yesterday. He was very sweet and not defensive at all, and said exactly what I would hope a friend would say when something is bothering me, so I'm not upset about it at all, but it threw me off-kilter for a little. And then I had a talk with Guy where we were both feeling distracted, and I felt like we were out of synch (that's never happened before). Part of it is that cute-poet-chick and I have had some intensely heavy relationship talks lately that have shaky resolutions. Part of it is that I just read the relationship agreements people sent me and I've got a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head.

Anyway, I know myself well enough to know that this feeling will pass quickly and I will feel better soon, but writing it down helps with that, so here it is.

Comments

[lcohen]

*lotsofhugs*

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dearheart. *hugs*

[firecat]

*waving* I can relate. (And I'm going on a retreat next week to get it out of my system. ;-)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Wow, a retreat is such a good idea. Hmmmm...

[mistdog.livejournal.com]

They all make me feel smart and beautiful and desirable/desired.

Some people are smart and beautiful and desirable, and some people feel it, but not many people both are those things and feel it. Lucky you!

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day.

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

A couple thoughts which may or may not apply:

Among all the other lost quotes in my BBS cookie file was one from some (details forgotten) interview that went something like "if your personal utopia was realized, would you feel like an impostor?" I know you've been working on "what did I do to deserve this?"/"I don't deserve this" feelings -- there's probably more work yet to be done.

When someone in a story or movie gets into a position like yours here, it generally serves as the story or movie's happy ending. But in real life, life goes on, you still have to work on maintaining all of it, getting used to all the changes, wondering what the future will bring, etc. I think it is normal to have some feelings of panic, confusion, etc. when contemplating such things.

[malte.livejournal.com]

Yep.

I think for me it's been not quite having the guts to (when everything looked like it was turning out dreamy) actually take the next step and make the good even better, a.k.a. deal with the stuff that I was blissfully sweeping under the carpet.

/malte, yeah, I hit another 10-week boundary :-o

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

yeah, I hit another 10-week boundary :-o

Does that mean what I think it means? If so, do you want hugs or haagen-dazs?

[malte.livejournal.com]

Can I have a man with that ice-cream?

You're very kind :-)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Men with ice cream. *daydream*

Oh, I'm sorry, this was supposed to be about you. ;-)

[malte.livejournal.com]

heh ;-)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

This is really really helpful. Thank you.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

Change, newness, happiness. What do you do when your dreams come true?

Retreat! Sounds like a grand idea.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Usually when my dreams come true (and it happens a lot), I just sit back and enjoy them. I've been letting worries about others cloud that, and I'm working on getting back to my center of joy, as woo-woo as that might sound. I like life better when lived from there, rather than from anxiety.