On friends

[serene]

I love my friends. I don't mean in the air-kiss-let's-do-lunch way. I mean in the deep way. I don't get close to many people; it's just not my way. But deep is not the same as close, and if you're my friend, then you're my friend, and you wouldn't be in my life if I weren't happy to have you there.

That said, I just posted this as a comment else-LJ, and I don't know that I've ever articulated it here, so I thought I'd throw it out for discussion:

I started to say "I like spending time with my friends", but to be perfectly honest, that's usually not true. What's true is that I like having spent time with my friends. That is, I like the history we end up sharing and the connections we end up making, but almost without exception, social interaction is not actively pleasant for me while it's happening. (Not never, just nearly never. And it's a Biiiiiiig continuum from "this isn't actively pleasant, but I'm happy I'm doing it and will be glad later that I did" to "this really bites". I don't do the latter very often any more these days.

I have lost (or misplaced, or actively set down) some friends over the years (kinda like the end paren on that blockquote), especially in the last couple of years, because I started to realize that that social energy drain? That's really only worth it for people I love, or feel like I might grow to love, or like the company of enough that it's worth it regardless. Nowadays, no one that I know of is my friend only for what I can give them, and that feels good. No one is my friend who makes me wish I hadn't spent time with them. And, now that I think of it, no one is my friend to whom I would be uncomfortable saying "I love you".

So, my friends (and LJ makes that term a little dicey to use here, but there it is), I love you. Thank you for being my friends. My life is richer because of you.

I especially want to thank those of you who are sitting there NOT saying "Harumph. Serene just said she doesn't like spending time with me" and understood that I was talking about my internal default state, not anything about you, because, hey, I love you. :-)

Comments

[haleth.livejournal.com]

"this isn't actively pleasant, but I'm happy I'm doing it and will be glad later that I did"

Well said - or at least, I understand it well. :-)

[cerulean-me.livejournal.com]

I like the history we end up sharing and the connections we end up making, but almost without exception, social interaction is not actively pleasant for me while it's happening.

This is me, all over!

Sadly a lot of my past makes interacting with people painful for me. I'm constantly trying to interpret what unspoken things are going on. I wonder if I'm offending people that I love. Or making them uncomfy without knowing it. There are awkward lulls in conversation that leave me trying to fill the gaps, and I never know if I'm doing it right.

[loveyerlife.livejournal.com]

Well said! I often feel exactly that way too.
I'm still getting to know you, but what I've seen, I like!

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

*mwah* I love you very much!

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i have a loooooooooong list of things that i am later glad i did, or that later will have been fun. and that's why i do them. and spending time with most people is on that list. but i do it anyhow. so i know what you mean.

[mac-arthur-park.livejournal.com]

*wry grin* I get it. San Diego, in some ways, was amazingly hard for me...but I am so glad I did it. That we did it.

Love you, too, babe. I think you're amazing. And I thank you for giving me the gift of going out there, meeting so many amazing women, and getting to see a place that is still part of my heart and soul for the first time in years.

*hugs*

[tracytreefrog.livejournal.com]

I so get that

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Now I feel all special. :)

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Well, I actively like spending time with you, so there! Honestly, thanks for the honesty and the clarity. And I haven't been answering your family posts, but I have been reading them and thinking about you and yours.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I love how articulate you are. This post makes me smile. I don't really know why. Maybe 'cause I'm having trouble some stuff out in my head, and it just looks so good to see other people articulate what they love and what they need and what feels good and what's not so good.

[ptigris.livejournal.com]

This is me being happy and smiling Serene-wards.

[firecat]

Interesting. I mostly enjoy social interaction with friends in small groups or one-on-one (although I often feel whiny about the travel involved).

I also get a special feeling of "ah, that's over, I can relax" when it's over.

Socializing in larger groups, I'm more likely not to enjoy it that much at the time but be glad I've done it.

And thanks :-)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I think I'm the opposite. In larger (typo: lard ;-) groups, I can do a lot of peoplewatching, and I feel less pressure to be sociable, because sometimes, people won't even notice if I just blend into the scenery. In one-on-one or few-on-few situations, I feel a lot of (internal!) pressure to be interesting or something.