serene | Answers, we got answers (Reply)

Serene is such a great name for you; you have taught me a lot about
appreciating the good things and finding happiness. Were you like that
before you were almost killed?

I don't think that the assault changed anything essential about my
personality, but I do think it made it seem more important/urgent to live
a good and happy life while I have the chance. So I guess the answer is
"Yes, but less so." And thank you. I really think very highly of you, and
to have you say such kind things about me makes me feel like I'm doing
something right.

When you were in San Diego taking care of your mom, did you feel that
you couldn't ask me for help? Or, did you feel that I didn't offer you
enough support? I thought I had (before you left), but after you got back
to Oakland, I saw your post where you thanked a bunch of people for all
the emotional support, and cash they lent/gave you, etc., and I thought,
maybe I didn't offer enough. And I feel bad about that, and hope that you
don't feel neglected or let down by me. But if you do, I would like to
know so it won't happen again. HUGS.

I really feel like you were sweet and supportive while I was gone, and I
especially appreciated the texts I got when I hadn't just made a post -- I
felt like you were thinking about me even when I wasn't posting updates.

It's hard for me to ask people for help, for two reasons:

One is that usually, I don't *need* help, because I'm really strong and
capable, and it feels difficult (sometimes impossible) for me to ask for
help if I don't Really Need It.

The other is that often, the only help I need is money, and I have
*severe* damage around asking people for money. The people who sent me
money are family members, and that's *slightly* easier for me to manage.
Honestly, it would never occur to me to ask for money from anyone else.

Anyway, that was a long way to say, "No, you were really great, and I love
you for all the loving concern you've always shown me, not just while I
was in cancer hell." Also, I really appreciate your asking instead of
just wondering and feeling bad.

Would [my child] like your navel? She's discovered that mine is better
than hers. Do you like your navel?

Hee! I didn't used to like my navel, because I thought it was too big and
deep, but hell, I'm big and deep, too, and I like me just fine.

What was the most surprising thing (at the time that you learned /
discovered it) that you've ever learned / discovered about yourself? How
did learning / discovering that make you feel? How did you integrate that
into your model of yourself in the long run?

I'm not sure about "most surprising", but this is one that came to mind:

I was a big fuck-up in high school. I was younger than my peers, socially
awkward, very lonely, and highly irresponsible. I skipped one class
eighteen days in a row just because I didn't want to go, stuff like that.
I really internalized that I was lazy and irresponsible. Several years
later, I was talking with someone on my way out of a Physiology of the
Brain class, and talking about how maybe if she wanted, we could get
together Friday after classes. Another classmate walked by and joked,
"Oh, you overachievers are all alike. Meeting on *Friday night*? Come on,
have some fun!"

It wasn't that suddenly I saw myself as an overachiever (I knew better).
It was that I had this epiphany that it doesn't take long (it was the
third week of school or so) for a person to create a new impression in the
people around her, just by doing her best. Since then, when I want to
flake or bail on something, I remind myself that when it's over, I will
have reinforced in my friends and family the notion that I am someone they
can count on, and that's really super rewarding to me, so it's a huge
motivator. It doesn't always work, but it works more often than not, so
when people say I'm capable or dependable, I don't think they're deluded
any more, because I know I've *become* someone who's capable and
dependable (though still not an overachiever). :-)

You can still ask, if you want.