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Apr. 11th, 2008 01:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sereneThanks so much to everyone who listened to me the other day and responded to my rambly, frustrated post with understanding and compassion. It made me weepy, and glad to have such a support network around me. It also made me feel like I was wise in choosing a network of friends and acquaintances who are smart, caring, and kind. Thanks, everyone!
1) I have a lot invested in not-dieting. I'm okay with that. Not-dieting saved my life.
2) I really like my body at its current shape/size, and none of this stuff seems to make me want to change those, which is an improvement over the me of twenty years ago.
3) Talking things out with my friends really does help me figure out which stuff is important to me and which isn't.
4) I fear that my friends will respect me less if I have issues around food; it's obvious to me that that's not true, but it's still a fear I have.
Y'all said some really good things, and it felt like I was coming out of the closet. I have so much wound up in being seen as a person who loves her fat body -- and I really do love my fat body; that's not an act -- that it felt like telling a deep, dark secret to let people know that I have these particular food/body issues, especially when I haven't dealt with eating-disorder stuff in years and years.
The thing that rang the loudest, clearest bell for me, though, came from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wild_irises:
Fortunately, the foods I used to eat are foods I like, and I'm not planning on eating any less or anything, so maybe with some good self-talk (translation: by reminding myself a million times a day), I can keep my hindbrain satisfied that not every diet[1] is a weight-loss diet, and not every shift in eating is about punishing myself.
Maybe not, though, and if it starts feeling like I'm harming myself, I can stop, and y'all will come and say "there, there" to me and shit, right?
[1] Calling a diet a "change in lifestyle" or "eating better for my health" or any other euphemism is also not something I'm willing to do. If I'm gonna do something that worries me on some level, I'm gonna at least call it what it is.
1) I have a lot invested in not-dieting. I'm okay with that. Not-dieting saved my life.
2) I really like my body at its current shape/size, and none of this stuff seems to make me want to change those, which is an improvement over the me of twenty years ago.
3) Talking things out with my friends really does help me figure out which stuff is important to me and which isn't.
4) I fear that my friends will respect me less if I have issues around food; it's obvious to me that that's not true, but it's still a fear I have.
Y'all said some really good things, and it felt like I was coming out of the closet. I have so much wound up in being seen as a person who loves her fat body -- and I really do love my fat body; that's not an act -- that it felt like telling a deep, dark secret to let people know that I have these particular food/body issues, especially when I haven't dealt with eating-disorder stuff in years and years.
The thing that rang the loudest, clearest bell for me, though, came from
wild_irises:I guess I'm not sure if you want to change your eating habits to see if things get better, or if you want to change your eating habits because they're the only thing left to change. If it's the first, a scientific spirit of inquiry might help (along the lines of "If I eat that instead of this, I'll screw up the experiment and I won't know").This really got at the heart of what I want. I want to see if a shift back to the foods I used to base my eating on will also shift my health; I'm not feeling like punishing myself, and I really don't think I've done anything wrong even if my eating *has* had a negative effect on my health -- being ill isn't a moral failing, and eating different foods doesn't make me a better person.
Fortunately, the foods I used to eat are foods I like, and I'm not planning on eating any less or anything, so maybe with some good self-talk (translation: by reminding myself a million times a day), I can keep my hindbrain satisfied that not every diet[1] is a weight-loss diet, and not every shift in eating is about punishing myself.
Maybe not, though, and if it starts feeling like I'm harming myself, I can stop, and y'all will come and say "there, there" to me and shit, right?
[1] Calling a diet a "change in lifestyle" or "eating better for my health" or any other euphemism is also not something I'm willing to do. If I'm gonna do something that worries me on some level, I'm gonna at least call it what it is.