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Jul. 5th, 2002 07:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sereneIt's quiet here today. The company our department does work for took a four-day weekend, so we're sitting here without much to do but catch up on things. I'll take this time to do some reading and writing, I think.
Didn't bring my novel (Here on Earth, Alice Hoffman), but that's okay. It's fairly dull, though sometimes lyrical.
Today is the day I focus on getting health stuff done. Call my doc and get a prescription for The Pill (to regulate my periods); make dental and vision appointments -- since I've got insurance, I should use it; call the chiropractor, apologize for missing Wednesday's appointment, make one for next week.
Instead of spending yesterday in a peaceful fog of first-day-off-in-forever happiness, updating my website and/or reading and/or sleeping and/or doing laundry, I spent it in mild aggravation. When I woke up, cute-poet-chick was in a mood. I could tell. As usual, I asked her if everything was okay. As usual, she said yes. I could tell it wasn't, so I asked if she was sure. She said yes. Then, as is also fairly usual, she waited a few minutes and began to pick a fight. She was frustrated about the clutter in the pantry. She said it took up a lot of space but didn't hold much. I said it would be cool to have a whole new piece of furniture there. She snapped back that we've already gotten rid of a lot of her stuff. That's when I could tell there was a fight brewing, and I didn't have the energy for it, so I left the room. Later, she came in and said she was sorry, and that she wanted help at some point figuring out where to put things. I didn't make eye contact, said okay, kept reading my book. She went back in the living room, but when I went out there, she went into the bedroom to read. I spent a couple of hours in a foul mood, reorganizing the pantry, making food for myself, and baking bread. We never reconnected yesterday, though I pulled her to me for a hug when she woke up.
It often feels like it's my job to make her feel better when she's down/frustrated/upset, and some days I just don't want to. I want her to be happy on her own. It takes a lot of energy to constantly tell her that the little things will work out, then have her come back with why they won't, and back and forth and back and forth. I don't know what the answer is. I wish I did. I know I love her even when she's in a crappy mood; I don't require her to be happy all the time. But it seems like she's unhappy a lot of the time, more than I sometimes have the energy to deal with, especially since her moods affect me so. In the airport, both heading out to Lexington and coming back, it was all I could do to keep up my cheerfulness with her getting so upset she almost quit more than once. On the way there, I just wanted to shake her and say, "Listen, I'm in a lot of pain here and I'm managing, so just grow up, keep your mouth shut, and keep walking." On the way back, she snapped at me and I let myself get annoyed and tell her that I was upset with her for not being cheerful when it was taking me a lot of energy to remain so.
I feel immature for caring what her mood is. It affects me, though, and I'm nearly to the point where I want to give up even trying to be pleasant around her when she's in one of her (increasingly frequent) funks. *sigh*
Didn't bring my novel (Here on Earth, Alice Hoffman), but that's okay. It's fairly dull, though sometimes lyrical.
Today is the day I focus on getting health stuff done. Call my doc and get a prescription for The Pill (to regulate my periods); make dental and vision appointments -- since I've got insurance, I should use it; call the chiropractor, apologize for missing Wednesday's appointment, make one for next week.
Instead of spending yesterday in a peaceful fog of first-day-off-in-forever happiness, updating my website and/or reading and/or sleeping and/or doing laundry, I spent it in mild aggravation. When I woke up, cute-poet-chick was in a mood. I could tell. As usual, I asked her if everything was okay. As usual, she said yes. I could tell it wasn't, so I asked if she was sure. She said yes. Then, as is also fairly usual, she waited a few minutes and began to pick a fight. She was frustrated about the clutter in the pantry. She said it took up a lot of space but didn't hold much. I said it would be cool to have a whole new piece of furniture there. She snapped back that we've already gotten rid of a lot of her stuff. That's when I could tell there was a fight brewing, and I didn't have the energy for it, so I left the room. Later, she came in and said she was sorry, and that she wanted help at some point figuring out where to put things. I didn't make eye contact, said okay, kept reading my book. She went back in the living room, but when I went out there, she went into the bedroom to read. I spent a couple of hours in a foul mood, reorganizing the pantry, making food for myself, and baking bread. We never reconnected yesterday, though I pulled her to me for a hug when she woke up.
It often feels like it's my job to make her feel better when she's down/frustrated/upset, and some days I just don't want to. I want her to be happy on her own. It takes a lot of energy to constantly tell her that the little things will work out, then have her come back with why they won't, and back and forth and back and forth. I don't know what the answer is. I wish I did. I know I love her even when she's in a crappy mood; I don't require her to be happy all the time. But it seems like she's unhappy a lot of the time, more than I sometimes have the energy to deal with, especially since her moods affect me so. In the airport, both heading out to Lexington and coming back, it was all I could do to keep up my cheerfulness with her getting so upset she almost quit more than once. On the way there, I just wanted to shake her and say, "Listen, I'm in a lot of pain here and I'm managing, so just grow up, keep your mouth shut, and keep walking." On the way back, she snapped at me and I let myself get annoyed and tell her that I was upset with her for not being cheerful when it was taking me a lot of energy to remain so.
I feel immature for caring what her mood is. It affects me, though, and I'm nearly to the point where I want to give up even trying to be pleasant around her when she's in one of her (increasingly frequent) funks. *sigh*
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Date: 2002-07-05 08:56 am (UTC)which is why i spend a lot of time alone as i get more depressed.
okay, i'm hungry.
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Date: 2002-07-05 10:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-05 10:48 am (UTC)Moods are tough. What happens when you stop trying to be pleasant? I know that sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, it gets worse if other people insist on being cheerful.
no subject
Date: 2002-07-05 12:29 pm (UTC)It's difficult to say. She prefers not to talk about relationship stuff, but sometimes I feel like I need to, so we'll see how it goes.
honestly, she sounds like me. and i'm that way because i'm super depressed.
I'm sorry to hear that.
which is why i spend a lot of time alone as i get more depressed.
*nod* Maybe she's being prickly in order to get some more time alone. Maybe not, though, because this was at the end of two days when she was home alone while I worked. I sent her an email telling her I wanted to make up but felt stuck because I couldn't call her and make up from work, but she hates to do relationship stuff in email. She called me at work and we both apologized, but she says she has a bad-mood hangover. We'll see how it goes when I get home.
Me me me me me. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2002-07-05 12:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-05 12:34 pm (UTC)Thanks. *hugsback*
Moods are tough. What happens when you stop trying to be pleasant? I know that sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, it gets worse if other people insist on being cheerful.
We have yet to determine what's best for me to do when she's grouchy. When things calm down to a pleasant tone again, I'll ask her. So far, being cheerful doesn't work, but neither does withdrawing. To be honest, the only thing that seems to work to get rid of her bad mood is for me to get upset and/or cry, and that isn't a solution I want to rely on.
no subject
Date: 2002-07-05 01:00 pm (UTC)Um, alarm bells. Talking about relationship stuff is *necessary* to keep a relationship healthy. If she can't see that, then it's not your problem or your job to try to keep the relationship together. She's got to put in at least equal effort, and talking about relationship stuff is part of it.
What's she so afraid of? That you might want something different than what she wants?
This is making me think of that Alanis song, "Not the Doctor." Have you heard it?
Not trying to be a jerk, but bluntness is usually best in this sort of situation, I've found.
Hugs and like that.
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Date: 2002-07-05 01:27 pm (UTC)Oh, I don't think so. I have a friend whose hetero male partner won't talk about relationship stuff but they've been mostly happily together for 15 years. Indeed lots of couples seem to manage without talkin these things through. I'm pretty sure it's not the *best* way, but it can work.
If she can't see that, then it's not your problem or your job to try to keep the relationship together. She's got to put in at least equal effort, and talking about relationship stuff is part of it.
I don't think you both have to put in equal effort either. Again, that's just the fairest way but not the only way. Sometimes one person makes all the sacrifices. If it's worth it to them, it still works.
I know how it feels to be in the aftermath of a bad mood, which I guess is what you mean by "...hangover". I often still want some space then (especially if there's a chance I was in the wrong). My guess would be that might be what cute-poet-chick wants now? Some space to allow time for the whole thing to be forgotten.
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Date: 2002-07-05 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-06 11:26 am (UTC)That's how it feels with Allen a lot of the time. (Not all the time, but frequently enough.)
Are you seeing a counselor, either individually or as a couple? We are, and it's really helping us. It's still hard for Allen to tell me when he's pissed at me, but at least he's now aware of that pattern.
Anyway, hugs if you want them.