happy about happiness about happiness?

[serene]

A good half-dozen times this week, people on LJ or in person have complimented me on my happiness. People have told me they admire my capacity for joy. No fewer than three customers have told me that I was the first person in Ikea who had been pleasant to them. Someone I really admire told me that I seem to have a knack for happiness.

I wonder if people know what a compliment this is to me. I wonder if they can feel me weeping right now, remembering how really hard it was to endure my youth, and how many hours and days I spent self-medicating with food and books, and turning off all my emotions so that none of them would hurt me (it didn't work)?

I honestly do not know which trick combo of luck and genetics and goodness and magic made me able to find my joy as an adult, but I'm feeling really grateful for it right now, and grateful for friends who value my joy as much as I do. If I could bottle it and share it with all of you, I would, in a heartbeat.