Anxiety redux

[serene]

Still anxious, but that feels like a physical rather than a psychological symptom. Also blue and stuck and a bit shut down. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed, but I'm in a place where doing an hour's work feels like all I can handle some days, including today and yesterday.

I guess it's good that I like myself and am able to be nice to myself, because this means I'm not compounding the blahs by being mad at myself or beating myself up. Still, I'd like to be able to count on myself -- does that make sense? There's all this stuff I want to do, feel is important, and I can't gather the oomph to do it. Either I'm too blue, or too achy, or too overwhelmed by all the tasks I set myself, or...

I was talking to stonebender a little about this the other day. It feels to me as though the minute my life settles down, I go find some kind of activity or obligation that's just a little too much for me, as though I don't want to be inactive/peaceful/rested/something. Life gets comfy and I get a third job or start a new blog or start a magazine. And then I am so disappointed when I don't have the energy/time/oomph to follow through on it to the end.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know I'm not doing anything wrong or bad when I overcommit myself, so I'm not angry with myself or anything, and I don't think I'm less than a good person for doing it. Still, it makes my life less simple/joyful/easy, and I want to change it.

I just don't know what form that change will take.

We'll see.

[I got all the way to the end of this post and was in the middle of hitting the 'post' button before realizing that I didn't mention or even take into consideration that I'm still recovering from cancer. That's part of the key, I think, to understanding why I do stuff like this -- I tend to forget my limitations, even when they're real and solid and not frivolous.]