(no subject)

[serene]

Up at 2 with a combination of the caffeine brainmonkey and a bad pain night, and my brain managed to articulate a few things that feel true and important at the moment. We'll see how I feel about them in the (later) morning:

1) My family consists of the people I choose. It's genuinely fine with me that I'm going to cut off contact with the ones I didn't choose. I feel no grief or angst or guilt about that at all, just a feeling of "at long last!"

2) The magazine has become a source of pain and stress for me. I need to let it go. I'm sad about it, but I didn't know when I decided to do it that I was about to be diagnosed with cancer again, get a kid, and go through the single most difficult year of my life. It's okay to let it go. I can do it later if I want. I can't do it now and still keep my equilibrium. I feel ashamed, but it helps me to be transparent about the things I feel shame about. It takes away their power.

3) I am way better at setting good boundaries with other people than I am with myself. It's okay to tell mySELF no sometimes.

Just had to get those things out. Still have the caffeine jitters pretty badly, though, so it may take a while to read myself to sleep. I already wrote to tell my workmates (the very few who will be there tomorrow) that I'm not going in for the final (short) day before our campus closes for two-plus weeks. Let the time off begin!

Comments

[ailbhe]

You can do the magazine later, when it's a source of joy and reward. It's a great magazine, but not I'd stop liking it if it made you unhappy; it's, er, I think the word I want is antithetical, but I could be wrong because I'm so so tired.

[wild_irises]

I love you, darling, and you're fmaily to me.

[betonica]

What she said.
And *yay* to time off!