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sereneToday, cancer + its attendant woes + sinus infection + fruitless rheumatologist visit + rough week = weepy, self-pitying Serene. Thank you, everyone, for sharing your joys and troubles today. It's helped get me outside of my head for whole seconds at a time. (Only I could start crying about my own troubles while Sarah McLaughlin is singing "Ordinary Miracle" at the Olympics, right? Yeesh.)
Cancer + attendant woes:
The endocrinologist wants to put me on beta-blockers to counteract the effect of the thyroid meds, which she wants to increase. The thyroid meds make my heart go even more nuts than usual, and the beta-blockers make sense probably, but I can't put into words my disappointment and sadness over dealing with this. And I feel sort of cheated, no matter how irrational that is. The effects of the cancer treatments are really downplayed when they're cutting the cancer out of you, and rightly so, but then you spend the rest of your life dealing with them, and it sucks so much. I am crying on and off about this. When I just had cancer, I didn't worry much, because hey, they can cut cancer out, and that's what they did. But now, it's my heart, and I have so many fears about my heart, and so I spend most days in at least a mild state of worry, and it's wearing me out and making me feel so sad. And old, but mostly sad.
Sinus infection:
I'm mostly better, but this cold (with sinus infection) has been a drain, and is probably part of why I'm feeling emotionally fragile.
Fruitless rheumatologist visit:
This may be more fruitful later. He suspects that the hip and knee pain are osteoarthritis (because I'm fat, says he), because there's no swelling or other markers of inflammatory disease, but he admits that doesn't explain the finger/neck/arm pain, so he's going to do a big bunch of blood tests and see what they tell him. Fair enough.
Rough week:
After a week of being sick and missing work, I was so tired yesterday, and still sick. I mean exhausted. But my mom was coming into town with a friend just for the night (they're playing bridge in Burlingame this weekend), so I wanted my house clean, and by gosh, I was gonna get it clean, even if the kid was feeling unhelpful and the boyfriend was cranky. So I worked and worked and worked and worked and got my house clean, and by the time I fell asleep last night, I felt like I'd been run over by something really heavy. But I awoke to an essentially clean house, made breakfast for my beloved mother and her friend (who was my high-school counselor from the time I was 11 years old), and went off to the doctor. When I got home from the doctor, though, I crashed, and slept for four hours. I really needed that.
Cancer + attendant woes:
The endocrinologist wants to put me on beta-blockers to counteract the effect of the thyroid meds, which she wants to increase. The thyroid meds make my heart go even more nuts than usual, and the beta-blockers make sense probably, but I can't put into words my disappointment and sadness over dealing with this. And I feel sort of cheated, no matter how irrational that is. The effects of the cancer treatments are really downplayed when they're cutting the cancer out of you, and rightly so, but then you spend the rest of your life dealing with them, and it sucks so much. I am crying on and off about this. When I just had cancer, I didn't worry much, because hey, they can cut cancer out, and that's what they did. But now, it's my heart, and I have so many fears about my heart, and so I spend most days in at least a mild state of worry, and it's wearing me out and making me feel so sad. And old, but mostly sad.
Sinus infection:
I'm mostly better, but this cold (with sinus infection) has been a drain, and is probably part of why I'm feeling emotionally fragile.
Fruitless rheumatologist visit:
This may be more fruitful later. He suspects that the hip and knee pain are osteoarthritis (because I'm fat, says he), because there's no swelling or other markers of inflammatory disease, but he admits that doesn't explain the finger/neck/arm pain, so he's going to do a big bunch of blood tests and see what they tell him. Fair enough.
Rough week:
After a week of being sick and missing work, I was so tired yesterday, and still sick. I mean exhausted. But my mom was coming into town with a friend just for the night (they're playing bridge in Burlingame this weekend), so I wanted my house clean, and by gosh, I was gonna get it clean, even if the kid was feeling unhelpful and the boyfriend was cranky. So I worked and worked and worked and worked and got my house clean, and by the time I fell asleep last night, I felt like I'd been run over by something really heavy. But I awoke to an essentially clean house, made breakfast for my beloved mother and her friend (who was my high-school counselor from the time I was 11 years old), and went off to the doctor. When I got home from the doctor, though, I crashed, and slept for four hours. I really needed that.
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Date: 2010-02-13 08:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-13 08:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-13 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-13 04:57 pm (UTC)-J
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Date: 2010-02-14 04:31 pm (UTC)