(no subject)

[serene]

I'm a big Normal Bob fan, even though he's often juvenile. But I really loved his response to a bit of fanmail recently. It says a lot about how I live my life.

1. When you appear in public dressed as Satan or not dressed as Satan but actively opposing the dipshits who espouse their sanctioned retardation (i.e. Christianity) do you ever fear that some no-neck moron would assault you physically? Have you ever actually been assaulted by said no-neck morons? I fear for your safety for there are many no-neck morons that would think they do their worthless god a favor by putting you in the hospital.

No, there is no fear on my end of the no-neck morons. One of the major revelations I've had in the last several years is that we humans tend to fear shit that ain't never gonna happen, and then we let that fear stop us. Remember that part in Fight Club where he describes how difficult it can be to pick a fight with someone who will actually go to the lengths of literally fist-fighting you? Well, there's a lot of truth to that statement. And that goes double if you're a 6'3" shaved-head man with adequate posture who looks where he's walking. The addition of red face paint, horns and 4" platform shoes doesn't hurt either.

This is it for me. It's not that no one could possibly ever harm me for being bi, poly, an atheist, or fat. It's that it makes no sense to rule my life based on that, when the odds of its happening are so small as to make the worry about it more dangerous to my health than the reality of it. (I would add that if I die for being my open, honest self, that's not the worst way to go.)

I say this knowing that I'm not immune to violent crime -- I've been on the receiving end of violent crime, and I'm here to say that for me, anyway, the fear surrounding being attacked has been far worse than the event itself, by at least an order of magnitude. It might be the best thing that ever happened to me was being nearly killed, because now I can say, "Oh, wow, I've done that, and I lived through it, and it wasn't the life-ruining thing I might have assumed it would be."

Not that I would wish violence on anyone, and not that I think it's A-OK for people to attack other people, but if I have to choose between a violent death and a death-by-degrees of closing my life off little by little in reaction to my own fears, I know what I choose. (And no, those aren't the only two choices, thankfully.)

Comments

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you. I really needed to hear this right now.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I hope everything's okay with you.

[calebbullen.livejournal.com]

Well Said!

I'd add that also just because one is a member of a demographic and people from a different demographic don't like you, it's not always because of the demographic differences. Sometimes they just don't like you and in some cases where a lot of people seem to be responding negatively to your demographic differences it's because that person is really not likeable as a person.

Obviously, I'm not talking about anyone or any group in particular here. I think most everyone has been in a situation where they're the minority and thought, "they don't like me... is it because I'm ____". Sometimes it is because of that but I can't count the number of times people thought I was giving them the high hat because they were of some kind of classification all up and down the spectra of classifications when I was just responding to them not their group.

[thekumquat.livejournal.com]

This is timely for me. I was at London Pride today. I wandered around much of central London happily wearing badges saying 'QUEER', 'DYKE', 'LGBT History Month' etc.
I then caught the tube home, and was very conscious of my decision as I took them off as I got on the train to the depths of South London. I happily live here, wear odd clothes in public, my neighbours know I'm poly, I would happily snog a girlfriend in the street - but looking queer to the extent of making a point of it, while alone, tired, and lots of teenagers are on the bus? My personal risk assessment led me to remove those badges, and it pisses me off.

It's some comfort that anyone queer would likely clock me from the purple glittery cowboy hats and bags of Pride loot I was holding. But I'm still hacked off.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

We loracs, dbubley, cleverdoberman and I went to see Sicko last night. One of the people Michael interviews talks about how those in power use fear and apathy to control the public discourse. I'd be willing to see the movie again if you. I think you'd like it quite a bit.

A different take

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

I have to choose between a violent death and a death-by-degrees of closing my life off little by little in reaction to my own fears, I know what I choose. (And no, those aren't the only two choices, thankfully.)

I have a very different take on this, but first I want to say that I am not criticizing what you or anyone else has had to say about this. But my own experience with fear is quite different.

I was a very fearful child. I was high strung, I worried a lot, and was given to panic attacks. I sensed danger everywhere: Martians under the sand, pod people under the bed, bombs falling from the sky, diseases that would make me suffer and die - or god forbid, throw up. When I felt sick to my stomach, my entire world was reduced to the terror that I was doomed to throw up. I was also afraid of fire drills. Not of fire - but of the sudden, loud blaring of the alarm. I used to sit at my desk, sweating and squirming, with a finger in the ear closest to the open door of the classroom, wondering if the alarm was going to go off now, or NOW, or NOW...

And I lived in a culture, both at home and at school, that lacked any understanding, compassion or patience for my anxieties. My dad would sometimes reassure me, and he did a better job of that than anyone else. But at other times he would blame me for my panic, by telling me that I was just "letting myself get all worked up", rather than trying to calm down. He would often shame me for being unwilling to confront my fears, for hiding from them, for wanting to feel safe. Many times he simply didn't have the energy or patience to deal with a panicky 10-year-old.

My mother had no compassion whatsoever, and would simply say, "I don't know what you're so scared of. It's just a movie." (Or, "just throwing up", "just a fire drill", etc.) If she didn't feel it herself, then she couldn't understand or care why anyone else would. I always remember her voice coming from another room, where she was reading or cooking or whatever, and speaking in a bored and disdainful voice, as though I were the most dull and annoying child anyone has ever had to endure.

So nowadays, when I hear new-age spiritual types, or tough-ass dwellers in high-crime neighborhoods, or lefty activists struggling against oppression, say essentially that "one must never let fear dictate one's actions", it all sounds like the same old shit I heard as a kid. And I start to feel the same shame and resentment I felt as a kid when people ridiculed me or lectured me because I was so full of terror and I just wanted to feel safe.

As an adult, I've learned how to create my own sense of safety, but I still respond to (what feels like) guilt trips about it, and I still feel that underneath everything I've ever done, to give myself enough security so I could function in the world, I am essentially a coward. This was the message I took away from childhood, and it's still lurking there, in the corner of my mind, waiting to hear validation from the outside world. And, this being a macho, bravado-brandishing culture, it never has to wait long. Fear - and especially, taking care of oneself around fear - is profoundly disrespected.

So for me, the radical thing to do is to speak up about it. The radical thing for me is to admit that I do have fear, and that I'm going to take care of myself around it. I'm going to do whatever I need to do to feel safe, because I was taught that it was shameful to do this. And I'm not going to pretend that it's otherwise, just so the critic-du-jour won't say I'm "spiritually stunted", or "sheltered and privileged", or "a complacent frog in slowly heating water", or whatever people are currently saying to condemn fear. The fact that I have been able to create enough safety for myself, that I don't feel constantly overwhelmed by anxiety, feels like a huge step forward, and I'm proud of that.

Again, I want to say that this is my personal trigger, and I am not here to argue with or judge anyone. I've just lived too many years in shamed silence, and now that I have a voice, I need to raise my hand and say, "I'm here. And I have a different experience with this."

(PS - may I post this is my own LJ? Do you want me to credit you if I do?)

[jenhowell.livejournal.com]

That's a great post. I was thinking about my own limiting fears this weekend and reevaluating whether I wanted to live my life enslaved to them!