Questions gakked from autographedcat

[serene]

1. What do you expect from someone who loves you?

I expect to know they love me -- because they tell me, treat me well, and appreciate the ways in which I treat them well. I expect to be treated with respect. I expect to feel like they like and honor me (I admit those are subjective judgments, but so much of love is). I expect them to be courteous to me -- I don't accept that it's no longer necessary to be polite around one's partners.

2. How do you tell someone you have expectations of them without sounding pathetic, demanding, or like a beggar?

I use words. Usually, I try to be really clear about how important the thing is. My partners know that there's a difference between "If you get time, could you do X, please?" "I'd like you to do X today, please" and "It's really important to me for you to do X by 2pm today, and if you don't, I will be really cranky. Can you do that for me, please?" (Note that the "please" is not optional.)

3. What do you do when someone you love, who tells you they love you, isn't meeting your expectations?

Sometimes I examine my expectations to see if I'm being unreasonable (again, my own judgment). Sometimes I ask my friends for a reality check. Sometimes I tell my partner that it's not working for me that they do X when I want them to do Y. It depends on a lot of factors, such as the seriousness of the expectation, my assessment of how happy I can be if my expectation goes unmet, and other factors.

4. In light of phrases like, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't put conditions on our love," and "If you loved me, you'd let me manipulate you!"-- is it appropriate to have expectations of people who love you at all? Why or why not? Is there a better way to say you expect things of the people who are in your life than to use the word, 'expectation'?

First of all, Ew. "If you really loved me" is the language of adolescents. Grown-ups don't pull that manipulative bullshit, and I won't respond to it. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be here. Next?

I think having expectations is unavoidable. Expectations aren't always requirements -- For example, I expect that my live-in partner will let me know if he isn't sleeping at home tonight, but it's not a requirement. I might be a little annoyed if he didn't tell me he wasn't coming home, but he's not required to check in with me, so it's not like he'd be in serious trouble or anything, but that doesn't mean my feelings wouldn't be hurt.

5. What expectations do you assume your lover(s) has/have of you? If you aren't sure what those expectations are, how do you find out what their expectations are? (I know, the simple answer is "ask them," but....)

Yeah. Ask them. Pay attention to their non-verbal cues. Trust them to be a grown-up. Pay attention to things they say about other people and their expectations of them. Etc.

6. Is it unhealthy to assume that what other people do for you is what they'd want done for themselves, or just stupid? Corollary: How stupid is it to presume or hope for the converse-- that other people will do for you what you do for them?

Personally, I think it's a bit juvenile, but not inherently bad/unhealthy/stupid. People's needs vary enough that expecting that people's desires match mine would be kinda silly, beyond the kind of broad "People want to be dealt with respectfully" things that don't say anything about people's differing views of what being treated respectfully means.