(no subject)

[serene]

From today's Savage Love:

Coming next week: What the fuck was I thinking? In last week's column, I told Hawt And Royally Depressed to be honest with his wife. She'd put on a few pounds—a few dozen—and he wasn't feeling it anymore. Some readers felt that my suggested opening lines—"You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?" "You are out of shape and it's killing our relationship." "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you."—weren't helpful. Rereading my advice now, I have to agree: That's terrible advice. We'll have a full accounting in next week's column.

Comments

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Mark my words, this is still going to end badly.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I don't read him often, but when I read that one, I thought he was being intentionally facetious, especially where he suggests that she might just take her walker and move on, but that he was too deadpan, and might be taken seriously.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I believe the walker line was actually part of vito_excalibur's spoof of the original. :-)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Oh. See, I don't actually read his stuff.

Well, well. We'll see, then. ;)

[maestrodog.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't be so quick to judge. Though for me, body shape is very low on my list of what makes someone sexually attractive to me, different people have different types, and the guy should definitely be able to speak his truth without fear of getting judgmental barbs thrown back at him, though of course not put it quite so bluntly when he tells her. The body is, after all, just one characteristic, and they ought to be able to work out ways to enhance other qualities in each other that would make them mutually sexually attracted. I honestly doubt that her losing weight would solve the root of what is REALLY going on with them.

[snippy]

I have no problem with him saying "you don't attract me anymore." I have a huge problem with him saying "you're fat and that's why." It's rude. All you ever have to say is "no thank you," you don't have to give reasons.

I propose something more like this: "Honey, I still enjoy our relationship, but I want to improve one area of our marriage. I'm having trouble being physically attracted to you lately. How can we work on this together?"

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

Probably. :/

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Probably verging on certainly.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Well, sure, if "work on this together" isn't code for "get you to lose weight (together)," or "get you to be more like I want you to be (together)." Too often, "together" means, "here's what I want you to do, but I'm right, so all I have to do is bring it up with you and encourage you to change." See Body Impolitic (www.laurietobyedison.com/discuss/?p=459) for what I (and Laurie Edison) think he should be doing.

[snippy]

Yeah, I guess the code my husband and I use isn't fully explained there: it really does mean "I don't know how to solve this, can we work on it as a team?" Because the problem is inside him: it's his mind that isn't finding her physically attractive, it's his mind that isn't becoming aroused by anything about her--not just that her body has changed, but that apparently the body change outweighs any other reason he might become aroused by her.

Your link 404'd, and I'd like to read it, so could we try that again?

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. When it's really "you and me against the problem" it's the best thing going.

www.laurietobyedison.com/discuss/?p=459

(I forgot the http://. I do that sometimes)

[snippy]

Well done! I like your blog post. The trick for me is relocating the problem: it's not about your _____, it's about my attitude and perception, and I can ask for your help on that part. The help might include some change that you volunteer to make, but it doesn't have to.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

Yup.

savage non-love of fatties

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

Because the problem is inside him

that's the salient point for me, and what the original "advice" seems to completely be missing. it seems to load all the responsibility for the problem and any change on the other person, while slim-babes-only lover gets to whine about it ("but i'm just being honest!") and that's it for his contribution to solving the problem.

that contrasts sharply with trying to solve things as a team the way you do.