Time and energy and so on.

[serene]

Thank you to everyone who provided input on my question about overextending myself.

It really helped me to remind myself of some things, and to think in new ways about other things. I didn't respond directly to all of you, but it really did help.



1) It's okay to decide for myself what I do value and what I don't, even if that doesn't match what I think I *should* value, or what other people want me to value.

2) I used to schedule downtime and I don't any more. I would like to go back to doing that, even if it means saying "no" more often.

3) There are things I want to do well, and if I'm doing too many things, I won't do any of them as well as I want to.

4) Whether or not my brain is used to thinking of myself this way, I'm a person with disabilities that make me tired and ouchy a lot of the time. It is NOT a waste of time to rest and treat my body well; it's important work.

5) My friends are exactly the kind of friends who know very well that the fact I don't have the time/energy to see them in person doesn't mean I don't love them.

6) I already have three volunteer jobs (cancer center; housewife; rent-a-parent); I don't need any more.

7) My 5 yeses: The kid; the family; the magazine; the best job ever; my own writing.

8) I can say no to everything else for a while, and if I don't like that, I can always say yes instead.

Comments

[leback.livejournal.com]

It is NOT a waste of time to rest and treat my body well; it's important work.

It's interesting for me to think about this point as being a consequence of disability, because it seems like something that must be true for *everyone*. I guess the difference is that the standard set of taken-for-granteds about what a body need are not necessarily accurate or sufficient for non-"standard" bodies, and so while some people can assume that life will shape itself mostly naturally to their bodies' needs, other people's self-care requires more thinking and careful planning...

Anyway, I think it's terrific that you're figuring out how to take better care of yourself. Also, I've *never* seen you at all frequently in person, and that doesn't prevent my feeling that you consistently share of yourself very generously with me. So I think you're right that there is no danger of your friends' feeling unloved any time soon -- and that's as much because of the kind of friend you *are* as because of the kind of friends you've got.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think it's one of those things where I was used to a certain level of energy, interest, etc., and now those levels have greatly decreased, so getting enough rest now feels to my internal sensors like laziness, especially if someone else in my family is picking up the slack of the stuff I used to take care of.

And thank you. I love you, and am glad you're my friend.

[dr-brat.livejournal.com]

I think that your first point is key, because it's something that I have a lot of trouble with myself. I was raised by a very pushy, overbearing mother who was a wonderful woman but who always had very different priorities than I do. I've spent a lot of my adult years readjusting my behaviors to match my own internal priorities instead of the ones she tried to force on me. Given our two personalities, it's really taken a lot of work. It took a long time, in fact, to identify what the job was in the first place. I am much happier since I gave myself permission not to be the person Mom wanted me to be, but to be the person I want to be and someone of whom she'd nonetheless be proud.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this.

I think that the internet helped me with this. Being a severe introvert, it was easy for me to believe that the things I valued and/or thought/felt were idiosyncratic to me, and were not okay. Meeting so many people around the world who think and feel the things I do, or who find my weirdnesses to be charming rather than offputting (my mom finds most of them offputting, as do most of my family of origin) was very liberating. Likewise reading books by People Like Me.

re: Time and energy and so on.

[betonica.livejournal.com]

I really like how you've taken all the comments and condensed them down to this list; there's a lot on that list that I should also be paying attention to. Even if I've said something similar about myself, having you state it gives it a degree of importance and perspective that helps me take it more seriously.

I just figured out #3, for example; I've really been sliding downhill on quality for several of the things I try to do. Gotta slow down, and actually stop some stuff. Who knew I wasn't capable of doing it all? And that first one: I'm still confused there. It's very hard to figure out what really is important *to me*, and not what I've been repeatedly told is important, but maybe isn't.

I always thought I liked limes better than lemons. One day, my mother told me that she'd always thought she liked limes better than lemons, but it had just occurred to her that no, it was *her* mother that actually preferred limes. It turns out that both mom and I like lemons better. I'm pretty sure I do, anyway.

And if I can't figure that one out, how'm I going to deal with the harder stuff?

Re: Time and energy and so on.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

The same way you're doing here, I guess -- by paying attention. It's so easy to assume that I like X because "everyone likes X" and forget that (a) everyone DOESN'T like X; and (b) even if they did, I'm allowed to like Y instead.

Re: Time and energy and so on.

[betonica.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm working on the paying attention bit; thanks for the reminder:)

(Somewhere I thought I had a quote from someone about forgetting and thinking he was bisexual, on the basis that most of his friends were; don't know what I did with it. Actually, I *am* bisexual, so it doesn't really apply to me, but it's pretty funny.)

I think it's the more entrenched ideas - that I've had since I was small - that are the hardest to even recognize as not my preferences, let alone get rid of. I've been doing okay with the more recent things, like whether I think being a vegetarian is important for me for ethical reasons (no, though with a few caveats), and whether it's okay to like and read a lot of trashy romances (yes, though I'm still protesting a bit loudly on that one).

What I probably should do is look at all the ways I spend my time and pinpoint one or two items that are "ought to"s instead of "want to"s. That might help. I wonder if I'll just come up with a long list of Want Tos, though, and nothing to eliminate. At least I've managed to fend off a lot of new "ought to" projects over the past year; that's been pretty nice.

Re: Time and energy and so on.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's really really hard to tease out the "oughts" from the "wants", I agree. Partly, I think, because I *want* to do what I *ought*. Y'know?

Re: Time and energy and so on.

[betonica.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, that too. But also I think I've just been brainwashed (in the most well-meaning of ways, of course) to think I like doing some things, when if I really thought about it, I don't like doing them. But the "ought" is really well-hidden.

Re: Time and energy and so on.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Oh, yep. Yep yep yep.

[jb98.livejournal.com]

Very timely, this list. I'm shifting into a mode where I'm thinking about the life I want to create post-India. I was so crazy-busy before I left that I was on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown. I don't want to allow that again.

#'s 1, 4 and 7 especially apply to me. In #1, I've taken on activities and pursuits that people I admire and want to get closer to do, and I'm now sorting out whether or not they are truly my wants.

In #4, while I'm not currently experiencing a disability, my body is still recovering from the effects of an 8.5 year one and it truly is important work to pay attention and give myself what I need, even when it's more than someone else would need in a similar situation. Being still and resting is *not* being lazy.

#7 is the one that interests me most. I don't know at this point what my "yeses" will be. They are yet to be discovered.

Thanks for posting this!