Chest pains (I'm not in danger)

[serene]

Trigger warning: talk about food and health; emotions about weight-loss stuff, but no actual weight-loss talk



I awoke at 3:15 this morning because of chest pains. Before you panic on my behalf, I'm not having a heart attack. Chest pains are the worst of my post-cancer medication side effects, which also include high blood pressure after a lifetime of extremely low blood pressure, and I'm being monitored by doctors, all of whom attest to the general good health of my ticker, and who are prescribing me medication to manage the heart stuff (and additional medication to manage the side-effects of *those* medications. *sigh*).

Anyway, the following things are true (which is to say, if you want to argue with me about their truthfulness, I will ignore you):

1) Historically, I can completely control the heart stuff with diet and exercise. Not weight-loss dieting; just eating and exercising in the way that happens to eliminate the heart symptoms for me.
2) Historically, paying a lot of attention to what I eat requires a lot of additional time and attention managing the "side effects" of that, which include feelings I don't like, because they remind me of feelings I had back in the long-ago days when I used diet as weight-loss, and to punish myself (those things are related to each other).
3) When I'm eating in the way that helps the heart stuff, I also feel more physically energetic, but that energy is often translated emotionally as anxiety.

I am feeling whiny right now, because I want the benefits without the drawbacks. I'm already tired and overextended, and I don't want to take on the extra baggage of food-carefulness right now, but I also don't want to add even more medications to the mix, because every time I switch meds, there's about a 50/50 chance things will go pear-shaped, and I have a lot on my plate already. (One heart med gave me suicidal feelings; some med tweaking takes away all my physical energy; some meds make my inflammatory-disease symptoms more pronounced; etc.) I am in my last quarter at school, and it will take all the energy I have to make it through the next nine weeks and five days, not that I'm counting or anything.

I feel sad and frustrated that my body doesn't do what I want it to do any more. However, I also feel kind of proud of myself for identifying the "Eek! I'm having chest pains! I have to go on a diet!" thought train immediately as a self-care impulse and NOT a self-punishing one. So that's good, anyway. I am worlds kinder to myself than I was when I was younger. And I think self-kindness will get me through this current challenge. I just kinda hate the sucky timing, I really do.

Comments

[hobbitbabe]

I always admire how good you are at insights into self-care. You don't use limited time/energy as a reason to never attempt things, and when you need a break you are graceful about giving yourself one.

I still don't understand my own limits, but I try to be as gentle with myself as you are about their existence.