Echo from the heart land

[serene]

TOTGA (The One That Got Away(tm), my first love) wrote to me last night, a newsy, witty, self-deprecating thing to let me know how he's doing. He has apparently checked in on my Usenet and LJ presence from time to time, so he has some idea what's going on with me.

I thought about writing back something newsy, witty, and self-deprecating in return, but I was tired and my defenses were down, so instead, I told him how things really are with me, and then I cried on someotherguy for a little while (partly TOTGA-related, and partly because someotherguy is leaving today for four days) and went to sleep. Wow, that was a really long sentence.

I hope I did the right thing. I sometimes wonder if I could have my friend back if I never mentioned that I still love and miss him. Then again, I tried that for a while and still only hear from him once every year or so, so I guess it couldn't hurt.

He seems to be in a good place. He has an amazing family, a good job, and a place in the country. I am very happy about his successes, and I'm still inordinately charmed by his darkness -- it always surprised him that the scary stuff about him never scared me. I hope that knowing I still care about him is a comfort to him, and not a burden. I sometimes wish I were able to stop loving people. Not always, but sometimes.

Comments

[intenselaura.livejournal.com]

*holds you*

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. You're a loving person, and by expressing those feelings, you were simply being who you are, and I think that's the right thing. I certainly appreciate who you are. *hugsmooch*

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

*holds you*

Thank you, dearheart.

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. You're a loving person, and by expressing those feelings, you were simply being who you are, and I think that's the right thing. I certainly appreciate who you are. *hugsmooch*

*hugsmoochback* Thank you so much. I appreciate the validation, truly.

[bayarts.livejournal.com]

Far be it from me to think I have the right to tell you how to feel or what to think, but reading over this entry made me want to suggest that the actual love you feel for others isn't what is "bad". The thing to avoid is the hurt or emptiness associated with that love....maybe caused by expectations or longings? I dunno. I just know that I hope you find peace with these issues because I can clearly see that you are a very good person who deserves to love and be loved.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Reading my public, comments-enabled journal gives you the right to tell me whatever you want. :-)

I'm not sure how to stop missing the people I love. Not sure I want to stop missing them. I don't expect anything of them, but when they contact me, it underscores the missing. In TOTGA's specific case, he had two very good reasons for breaking up with me, and I don't blame him a tiny bit, or expect him to stay in close contact with someone he loved years ago who lives thousands of miles away.

Still, it's hard to avoid wishing things had gone differently, and hard to keep from feeling a bit wistful when I hear from him, while at the same time being thrilled that someone I love and respect is happy (albeit happier without me than with me).

Re:

[bayarts.livejournal.com]

I can relate to what you are saying. For me, the missing part (as opposed to the letting go part) keeps me connected in a way. It is a way of still being a part of that person's life even if we have chosen to take opposite paths.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Darlin', I have never in my life stopped loving anyone, or missing the loves who've left my life.

Once a year or so I get an e-mail from the only person I ever almost married, filling me in on his very interesting life in Alaska, where he moved to get away from the mainstream US - and from me - shortly after he got back from Viet Nam. We're both happy in ways we probably wouldn't have been if we'd stuck together - goddess knows social me wouldn't have lasted long in the back of beyond. But ever time I hear from him, it triggers mournful, heartsick dreams that go on sporadically for weeks.

I've come to accept the wistful pangs as the price I pay for having had the great good luck to love such a large number of truly wonderful people.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Pat. I feel really understood right now.

missing people

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

what pat said.

and i don't think i really wish to stop either, the loving or the missing. they are deep, honest parts of myself, and i like that i never lose my inner connection to people i love. but then i also don't aim for uninterrupted happiness in my life, *heh*. it just all seems part of a good "flow" and that's how i want my life to be.

Thank you

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

That's a really good way to put how I feel. When I acknowledge "difficult" emotions, I'm almost never (but not never) wishing them away. I treasure my sadness, especially when it reminds me that I have the capacity for great love (which is something I thought I was incapable of as little as five or six years ago).

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well, it seems to me that somewhere, there is an answer.

Something akin to "how wonderful to have such sadness to treasure, to hold, to feel, to remind you of the love and happiness".

Or maybe something like "But is this pain, since I treasure it so much?"

Or, maybe it's "there's so much emotional energy, and the only place I feel I can put it is 'sad'."

Or maybe something entirely different, or some combination.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yes, to all of it.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

As Pat said, I don't really believe you stop loving the people you love. At least I still love Justine and D. *hugs* No helpful suggestions I'm afraid.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

*nod* *hugs* I'm tempted to say at least you know I'll never stop loving you, but I think you know that already. *kiss*

[firecat]

I don't often stop loving people, but I don't often miss people in a really painful way either. Dunno why.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

A lot of my missing is missing-the-individual, but the worst missing is always when that's combined with "it was my fuckup that caused this rift" -- for me, that's the worst.

[firecat]

See my post about feeling stupid when breakups happen in my life...

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Well, there's feeling stupid in a generic, I-should-have-known-better sort of way, which I feel always in a breakup. Then there's "I decidedly DID do something wrong, and I know it, and I can't take it back, and fuck fuck fuck I wanna take it back." That's the one that's the shits for me.

[firecat]

Ouch. *hugs*

I don't want backsies very often.

Or maybe I think I don't deserve backsies.

[Not intended to elicit sympathy, just a theory.]

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

*nod* I feel a bit like a three-year-old when this bites me (frex, *today*) -- "I KNOW I did wrong, and I KNOW I don't get to take it back, but .

[firecat]

*hugs*

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon.

*hugsigh*

(Saw her yesterday. Let slip an accidental "we". Her face crumpled. I wish sometimes that she would just refuse to see me, and then the thought of that just breaks my heart. Bleargh.)

[firecat]

:-(

Was any of the visit enjoyable?

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I love hearing what she's up to. LOVE seeing her smile/laugh. Love knowing that she's finding interesting things to do. I have to trust that we will either find friendspace or move apart from each other, but right now it's very awkward at times. She says she likes being around me, but that it makes her feel really bad about herself afterwards. I hate hurting her, but I know myself -- if she'll consent to see me, I will try to see her, no matter what. I miss the living fuck out of her.

[firecat]

I'm glad that you mostly enjoyed the visit. Seems like she's shown she is able to choose to minimize her hurt, so I agree with your policy.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks for saying that. I suffer from a touch (more like a whallop) of self-doubt about this these days, in case you haven't noticed. :-/

[firecat]

*hugs* [self trust vibes]

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks again. This day is weepy, but you're making it easier.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

I won't say that I never stop loving, but it's certainly very, very rare. Even crushes fade only reluctantly with me. I wouldn't necessarily change it, but sometimes I do find it really inconvenient. In any case, I feel for you.

-J

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks.