Stuffness

[serene]

Well, the house is as clean as it's getting tonight, marea93 is presumably on her way over for an overnight visit (having returned from a successful, I hope, visit to get her stuff out of storage) with her love, I applied for four writing jobs yesterday and today, I got myself a job with benefits today that starts right after this temp assignment ends, and I am not in the mood for projects. So. Here I am. :-)



I know that it can sometimes be annoying (and people like kalmn have the ovaries to say so, bless her heart) that I'm so chipper all the time. Well, I can't disagree that I'm happy nearly always these days. Still, I've been fighting a case of melancholy. Part of it's the weather, I'm sure -- I feel slow and cocoony and like my brain is full of cotton on the first wintry days, always have, but I don't mind that much.

Another part is just the sheer *enormity* of the changes I've gone through this year. No matter how happy the changes, they're overwhelming sometimes. I miss my family, I miss cute-poet-chick (more about that later in the official maudlin section), and it's just really hard changing towns and jobs. Yet another part is some stuff we're (my loves and I) trying to figure out surrounding the living situation between me, someotherguy, and sogwife. That part sends me into a tailspin if I think about it too much, though, so I will save it for later.

Anyway. Yeah, I'm happy, and I'm even mostly cheerful, but things are hard sometimes, even when they're good, and the past few days, I've been feeling it. My libido even disappeared for a few days, and it just doesn't *do* that. (In happy news, it's baaa-aaack.)





intenselaura visited, and it was lovely. Really wonderful. I wish we'd had more time together, but the time we had was great. We spent a lot of time just sitting together on the sofa. I drove her to rosefox and sinboy's place on Tuesday, and we sat around and schmoozed with him while waiting for her. It was nice, and intenselaura liked getting a chance to hang with Java, their cat. Then Wednesday, we had a Relaxment Day of our own. We did *nothing* -- at one point, I think someotherguy and I may have gone out to shop and give her some time alone, but basically, it was nothingness day.

Hm. Thursday. intenselaura went to the city, I think, while I worked, and then I'm damned if I know what we did that night --- Oh, yes, we went to stonebender and Carol's place for dinner. I made scallop chowder and big sandwiches and Caesar salad, and we sat around laughing and talking all evening with someotherguy and wild_irises. It was *lovely* and I got some really perverted cards, which I of course loved. :-)

Friday was our date, Laura's and mine, and first we had gelato with someotherguy and sogwife. Then we booted them and went walking in Berkeley. We spent a lot of time in Games of Berkeley, and then we noticed that it was 15 minutes until the California was showing "Shaun of the Dead." Without giving any spoilers, I will say that we laughed nearly the whole way through, and that we're both amused at our choice of first-date movie. After the movie, it was too cold to wander around more in what we were wearing, so we went home to get sweaters, drove into Chinatown, changed our minds, and went for Ethiopian food. It was a lovely night, made even lovelier by a nice, long cuddle afterwards that made me feel really loved and wanted.





Blew the headsets.com interview by getting on the wrong bus and being late. I'm over it, but it took a while. Have been applying for stuff left and right that appeals to me, because I don't want to do work that doesn't appeal to me, and they've figured out a way to get me benefits on a part-time job at work, so that part of it will lighten up in a few months. They are so good to me at FedEx. I love them.





So Norah Jones is apparently coming to town on October 1st. I can't turn on the radio without hearing an ad for her concert, and then I walk past my boss's office and she's playing "Come Away With Me" from start to finish, and god, I just can't stop obsessing over her. Not Norah. I finally got to the point where I could listen to Indigo Girls without falling apart, but I swear, if I live a thousand years, I don't know if I will ever hear Norah without starting to cry. Cute-poet-chick called "Come Away With Me" "the soundtrack of our breakup" and that's about right.

I know, really know, that I'm happier now. I know that being with her wasn't fair to her. I know that I fucked up a good thing, but that I landed in a better place. I know all this, but I still can't shut my brain up sometimes, and convince it to let it go. I wanna call her and beg her to take me back, even though I know damn well I don't want to live with her again. I have felt this once before -- being desperately unhappy that a relationship ended, even though I was well aware the relationship itself was bad for me. Both times, it's because of two things: One, I miss her (and I missed TOTGA) *so* much -- when I lost them as lovers, I lost my best friends at the same time, and it was so gut-wrenching. But the second thing is uglier. Part of me wants them back so that I can think I'm a good person again, so I can get back the respect they once had for me, that they lost when I treated them badly. That part isn't about missing them or loving them, though I miss and love them both. That part is purely selfish -- it's about wanting regard that I haven't earned. It's about wanting to see myself as a better person than my behavior evinces.

I'm okay with being in this place -- I can look at myself in the mirror, say I fucked up, big, *twice*, and go about my life knowing I am human and I have attempted to make amends, and I'm friends now with TOTGA and friendly with cute-poet-chick (though not friends yet -- I hope for that), and I am not the first person to fuck up a love affair, and they did their share of fucking up, too, and yada yada. But it hurts. It hurts to know I was the kind of person that would do the things I did, no matter how important they seemed at the time, or how good the end result was.



So I'm happier than I've ever been, and sometimes my brain *still* won't shut up and let me enjoy it. Usually, it will. Usually, I can genuinely bask in my great good fortune.

But not always.

Comments

[berkeleyfarm.livejournal.com]

Congrats on the job with benefits. That is a huge relief, I'm sure.

I think you have a point about the pace of change. You've done a lot, just keep that in mind.

Peace, out!

[firecat]

Yay for benefits. Yay for introspection. Sorry for hurts.

[brotherelf.livejournal.com]

Mmm... cottony cocoons... *zzzzzzz*

[futabachan.livejournal.com]

So I'm happier than I've ever been

That is so wonderful!

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

(and people like kalmn have the ovaries to say so, bless her heart)

good lord. i must have left my tact in my other pants. [sheepish]

i suggest mix cds until a few days after the concert is over. hmmm.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

If anyone was tactless, it was I -- I don't know what I was thinking posting that; sorry. (Besides, I think the context was my asking people "what's the most annoying thing about me", so you're off the hook.)

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

a-ha. okay, then i think we're both of the tactfulness hook. whew.

[barbarakitten-t.livejournal.com]

i love your icon...i want to find a book called the zen of multi-tasking

it's okay to be maudlin and depressed sometimes. it's okay to miss lost lovers and friends and wish for what might have been (the fact that i still dream about weyrdbird and periodically bitch at my ex-husband (more than 20 years ex) because he doesn't let me know when he's sick)proves that.

you're human, and a very nice human at that. take care of yourself...

*hug*

[lcohen]

*holds you close*

it's better though, you know. and you'd still be in that unhappy place--there's just isn't a way where you get to be happy about both things, so be happy about these things when you can, sweetie.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Hey...I was there for some of the end with CPC, and it's not, in my eye, that you fucked up, so much as that you and she had different, equally valid needs, and they didn't mesh well. I miss her sometimes, too, not the same way you do, but I think that it's too painful for her to deal with me, given that she knows me through you.