(no subject)

[serene]

This week has been such a mixture of joy and pain. I'm doing my best
to choose the joy over the pain as much as possible. People I love
are hurting, and scared -- some of it my fault, some of it not -- and
that sucks rocks through a bendy straw. And during a really happy
time in one area of my life, another area is full of fear and sadness
and frustration. Do you ever feel your happiness is disrespectful to
those around you who are not happy? That's been an issue with me this
week. Like survivor guilt or something. But then it's 3 in the
morning and I may just be thinking muddled up-too-late thoughts.

Got paid for a little contract job I did -- data entry for a
magazine's mailing list -- and felt really happy about it. Small
paycheck, big feeling of optimism about being able to eventually
support myself doing freelance work.

I think that if UCB calls me in the morning, I'll go, but I wish I'd
gotten some sleep first. I was feeling sad and fragile earlier, so
someotherguy and sogwife rushed to the store for
comfort food and someotherguy whipped it up -- popcorn with
cheese and onion powder, aren't they darlings? -- and they also
brought me a coke, so now I'm caffeinated, which is actually not a
bad thing, because I love staying up late (well, falling asleep
during a movie and *then* staying up late). Just hope UCB doesn't
have any need to call. (I have mixed feelings about that -- on the
one hand, I like the job and want to be there a lot, but on the other
hand, when they call me, it means the woman I stand in for is having
a sick day, and I don't want her to be sick or anything; I don't know
her, but I don't wish her any ill.)

Munchkin The Elder had a horrid birthday. By the time I called, zie
was home from what was supposed to be a 2-day trip to zir dad's, and
asleep after not wanting to talk about a fight they'd had, that
precipitated dad bringing Munchkin home a day early. I feel terrible
for not talking to zir on zir birthday, but I'll call tomorrow/later
today.

I am making "dates" with myself for downtime, and it's really
working. A couple of times, people have wanted that time, but I have
kept it sacred, and it's helping me to feel important to myself, and
to get the time I need to recharge. It's a radical concept for me,
and I'm very happy with the result. I feel so much more human when I
can say no to things that will stretch me thin, and yes to the stuff
that refreshes me.

Food lately has been yummy. Lots of fresh fruit and veggies, and
usually lunch is the best meal of the day, because I've been working
nights. Tonight, a baguette served as rolls for some "Swisswurst," a
yummy sausage we picked up while we were out grocery shopping. And I
made a spinach salad, and we ate the rest of the grapes (and someotherguy had an excellent Berkeley Bowl apricot --
apparently, they're really good lately; I don't care for apricots.)
I am my mother's daughter -- when there's lots of good food in the
house (but not so much that things are going bad or anything), I feel
like everything's going to be okay.

God, I hope everything's gonna be okay.

Good night/morning, everyone. Much love.

Comments

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

Big hug.

Everything *is* going to be okay.

[supergee.livejournal.com]

What she said.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[windsea.livejournal.com]

> Do you ever feel your happiness is disrespectful to those around you who are not happy?

Oh, yes, this strikes a huge chord with me. Someone I care very much about had an absolutely miserable June, as a couple of major projects he'd poured his heart and soul and $$$ into for a long time fell apart, as well as other non-professional disasters. Meanwhile, I was walking on air as I started the new job, and everything was coming up roses.

It was very difficult for me not to feel that I was rubbing his nose in my happiness every time we talked. He kept reassuring me that he was glad for me, and that it helped him to hear that all was well for *someone*, but nonetheless ...

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, like that. And in this case, the person *was* being made unhappy by my happiness, so there was that added yuckiness. I think I will be more careful around this person with my emotions from now on, and that makes me sad.

[bayarts.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, there will never be a time when *everyone* is happy all at once. Please don't allow this to detract from feeling happiness yourself. You can be happy and compassionate and sympathetic (or empathetic) toward others at the same time.

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

Yay for making time for yourself. Hugs. I hope everything will be all right.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I've been having unexpected bits of scared landing in my heart lately. So getting lots of hugs, needing lots of cuddling. During a date last night, I realized that I'm also judging myself for the feelings that I'm having, and that is making them harder. So I'm just going accept that there is this free-floating fear, feel the fear, and accept that where I am is okay. And that all the love I am getting from others is a reminder that I'm okay and that its okay.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have learned that the absolute WORST way for me to respond to my bad feelings is to be mad at myself for them. *hugs* to you, and I hope the fear just stays away.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

thank you!

the weekend helped

[firecat]

[hugs]

[baerana.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*