Assumptions of kink
Feb. 1st, 2010 09:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sereneRecently, in a locked post that I've since been denied access to via delisting (what do you guys call "defriending" now that the access list isn't called "friends"?), a friend posted some kink-culture-related humor, aimed at kinky folks. It wasn't especially complimentary toward vanilla folks, and I got my back up at this. I disliked being mocked, even indirectly, and when I objected, I was delisted.
In the interim, another friend made the good point that I was at least partly speaking from a place of privilege in space that the original friend may have thought was made up entirely of kinky folk. If the original friend is reading, I offer my apology for not clearing that up or asking to be filtered off the post. But I've been thinking a lot about what would make someone assume that a post aimed at BDSMers is something that I would be the proper audience for.
That last part is what I want to talk about. Too often for my taste, the kinky folk in my friend circles assume they're talking to kinky people, or to people who want to discuss kinky subjects at length. Now, I'm not mad at my friends or anything, nor am I requesting that people shut up about their stuff; I know how to skip a post, and how to ask people to change the subject. So please don't take this as an effort to silence anyone. Not at all.
It's just I want to say that being bi and poly doesn't make me kinky, and I wish no one would assume it does. Even the friend who had the good point about privilege said that it was somewhat reasonable for people to think of me as kinky. I disagree. Not because I'd be ashamed of being kinky if I were -- just it misrepresents me, and it could set up situations where people think they're talking to someone who does certain things or enjoys certain things or is certain things, and I'm just not.
I like kinky people, and in general, they form a large chunk of my group of friends; I'm just not a kinky person myself. With one partner-specific exception, I'm not into anything remotely related to BDSM, bondage, roleplay, pain play, knife play, age play, simulated rape, humiliation, fetishes, or anything else that I would consider to be kinks. I own some sex toys, but rarely use them. I am, with one partner-specific exception, unlikely to do anything in bed that requires a trip to the hardware store.
So yeah, it's possible to be bi and poly and be vanilla. The number and gender of my partners has nothing to do with my level of kinkiness. If straight people aren't automatically kinky, then neither are bi people. Likewise monogamous people. It's orthagonal.
Discuss if you like, but mainly, I just wanted to say that.
In the interim, another friend made the good point that I was at least partly speaking from a place of privilege in space that the original friend may have thought was made up entirely of kinky folk. If the original friend is reading, I offer my apology for not clearing that up or asking to be filtered off the post. But I've been thinking a lot about what would make someone assume that a post aimed at BDSMers is something that I would be the proper audience for.
That last part is what I want to talk about. Too often for my taste, the kinky folk in my friend circles assume they're talking to kinky people, or to people who want to discuss kinky subjects at length. Now, I'm not mad at my friends or anything, nor am I requesting that people shut up about their stuff; I know how to skip a post, and how to ask people to change the subject. So please don't take this as an effort to silence anyone. Not at all.
It's just I want to say that being bi and poly doesn't make me kinky, and I wish no one would assume it does. Even the friend who had the good point about privilege said that it was somewhat reasonable for people to think of me as kinky. I disagree. Not because I'd be ashamed of being kinky if I were -- just it misrepresents me, and it could set up situations where people think they're talking to someone who does certain things or enjoys certain things or is certain things, and I'm just not.
I like kinky people, and in general, they form a large chunk of my group of friends; I'm just not a kinky person myself. With one partner-specific exception, I'm not into anything remotely related to BDSM, bondage, roleplay, pain play, knife play, age play, simulated rape, humiliation, fetishes, or anything else that I would consider to be kinks. I own some sex toys, but rarely use them. I am, with one partner-specific exception, unlikely to do anything in bed that requires a trip to the hardware store.
So yeah, it's possible to be bi and poly and be vanilla. The number and gender of my partners has nothing to do with my level of kinkiness. If straight people aren't automatically kinky, then neither are bi people. Likewise monogamous people. It's orthagonal.
Discuss if you like, but mainly, I just wanted to say that.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-02 12:00 pm (UTC)But I was saying that I don't differentiate between the posts I make with kink or sex-sex, so perhaps that's how she was included in the silly post. But if it was the kind of assumption that bi/poly = kinky, that's pretty stupid of them.