Meta: a response in polyamory

[serene]

Just posting a comment I made in polyamory because it answers a lot of the questions I get about poly and my relationship structure. Doesn't answer them *thoroughly*, but well enough for beginnings, so I'll tag this "poly" and refer to it if it comes up again.



I'm quite tired, so if any of this doesn't make sense, or you have any questions, please do ask.

I have a few questions to ask in regards to poly. If the "thirds" or "additions" or " poly singles" could answer them i would greatly appreciate it.

I am in relationships with two people who were married when I met them (and are still married, going on four years later), but I don't think of myself as a "third" or an "addition". I love two people who happen to also love each other. I understand that it looks like they "added" me to their marriage, but they didn't, any more than if they had a mutual friend, that person was added to their marriage. I'm not in a relationship with their marriage. I'm in a relationship with each of them as individuals.

If someone was going to put together a presentation say for a poly conference, what types of things, in regards to being a poly addition or a single poly person would you like to see covered?

I would like that person to speak from personal experience, or tell true stories of other individuals, rather than trying to speak for how things are for the whole lot of us. (Not saying you're doing this -- just that I've seen it a lot in people who speak at poly conferences, and it's something I would like to see less of.)

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What is your "preferred" label to be called as being a "third" in a poly relationship?

See above. My partners (all three of them -- the two I mentioned above, and my other partner) all call me "my girlfriend" or "my partner" or "my wife" or "Serene," depending on mood or context. I do *not* want to be referred to in terms of being some sort of appendage of other people's relationship.

I would also like to hear of your own Poly triad experiences or just polyamory experiences whether they are a V or triad or what ever the dynamic.

I live with someotherguy. He and sogwife have been married for 15 years, and she lives with us half time. I have another partner, stonebender, who lives 15 minutes away, with his partner of 24 or so years, loracs. In the house behind stonebender and loracs's place lives loracs's partner, dbubley. I'm not sure what you want to know about our experience, but we're essentially a happy family that just has more romantic partners involved than in a traditional American household.

We are all friends. We all know about everyone else. We have dinner together, feel comfortable in each other's presence, and do "family stuff", from watching movies together to taking care of our family members if they are sick.

What do you think are important factors for a successful poly relationship? This question is for anyone who would like to answer.

It depends on the people involved, but for me, I'd say basic respect, a core of compatibility, and good communication.

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Lastly, i would like to know what does polyamory mean to you?

It means when I fall in love with someone, I don't have to break up with the person I'm already in love with. That's all. It's no big oneness-with-the-universe thing; I'm not trying to be better or more evolved. It just happens that when I fall in love with someone, I don't fall out of love with the previous person, so it makes no sense for me to try to do monogamy. It's fine for the people it works for; it doesn't work for me.