Meta: a response in polyamory

[serene]

Just posting a comment I made in polyamory because it answers a lot of the questions I get about poly and my relationship structure. Doesn't answer them *thoroughly*, but well enough for beginnings, so I'll tag this "poly" and refer to it if it comes up again.



I'm quite tired, so if any of this doesn't make sense, or you have any questions, please do ask.

I have a few questions to ask in regards to poly. If the "thirds" or "additions" or " poly singles" could answer them i would greatly appreciate it.

I am in relationships with two people who were married when I met them (and are still married, going on four years later), but I don't think of myself as a "third" or an "addition". I love two people who happen to also love each other. I understand that it looks like they "added" me to their marriage, but they didn't, any more than if they had a mutual friend, that person was added to their marriage. I'm not in a relationship with their marriage. I'm in a relationship with each of them as individuals.

If someone was going to put together a presentation say for a poly conference, what types of things, in regards to being a poly addition or a single poly person would you like to see covered?

I would like that person to speak from personal experience, or tell true stories of other individuals, rather than trying to speak for how things are for the whole lot of us. (Not saying you're doing this -- just that I've seen it a lot in people who speak at poly conferences, and it's something I would like to see less of.)

<snip>

What is your "preferred" label to be called as being a "third" in a poly relationship?

See above. My partners (all three of them -- the two I mentioned above, and my other partner) all call me "my girlfriend" or "my partner" or "my wife" or "Serene," depending on mood or context. I do *not* want to be referred to in terms of being some sort of appendage of other people's relationship.

I would also like to hear of your own Poly triad experiences or just polyamory experiences whether they are a V or triad or what ever the dynamic.

I live with someotherguy. He and sogwife have been married for 15 years, and she lives with us half time. I have another partner, stonebender, who lives 15 minutes away, with his partner of 24 or so years, loracs. In the house behind stonebender and loracs's place lives loracs's partner, dbubley. I'm not sure what you want to know about our experience, but we're essentially a happy family that just has more romantic partners involved than in a traditional American household.

We are all friends. We all know about everyone else. We have dinner together, feel comfortable in each other's presence, and do "family stuff", from watching movies together to taking care of our family members if they are sick.

What do you think are important factors for a successful poly relationship? This question is for anyone who would like to answer.

It depends on the people involved, but for me, I'd say basic respect, a core of compatibility, and good communication.

<snip>

Lastly, i would like to know what does polyamory mean to you?

It means when I fall in love with someone, I don't have to break up with the person I'm already in love with. That's all. It's no big oneness-with-the-universe thing; I'm not trying to be better or more evolved. It just happens that when I fall in love with someone, I don't fall out of love with the previous person, so it makes no sense for me to try to do monogamy. It's fine for the people it works for; it doesn't work for me.

Comments

[leback.livejournal.com]

*So* nicely said... That "third" or "addition" language can make me twitch (in the generic, that is; not when a specific individual describes their own relationship structures that way). It often seems to me to come from the perception of poly as something that *couples* do, rather than something *people* do--as if everybody is still fundamentally paired (part of a dyadic relationship that's at the heart of their relationship web) or unpaired (either single, or a "third" to some other core pairing). Your description of your life does a lovely job of undercutting that assumption.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

That perception is so damn pervasive, too. What I hate is the way people always ask if you're "in a poly relationship" or not...as if everyone is in exactly one Relationship and the only question is whether or not they're allowed to see other people "on the side."

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

It means when I fall in love with someone, I don't have to break up with the person I'm already in love with. That's all.

Yes!

[surelars.livejournal.com]

Nothing much to add, really - we pretty much have the same view of poly. Different setups, different family structures, some same basic idea. I'm in particular with you on what poly "means".

Thanks for posting this.

[redbird]

Nicely put and described.

I also think you're showing more patience with that thread than I am, which is good.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Heh. Thanks, but I haven't read any of the other comments yet. I usually try not to before I respond to questions like this. I guess I'm in for a laugh when I get to work. :-)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

I like "significant something or the other" (originally from rosefox, I think) :)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't mind being called that in jest, but it would hurt my feelings if that were what my partners actually called me. I like "wife" just fine, and "girlfriend" suits the part of me that suffered an entire adolescence and young adulthood with no boyfriend. "Partner" feels more grown-up, and I like that, as well.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

*nod* 'partner' is definitely nice; not just grownup but more symmetric. (also, I kinda like 'sso' because the emphasised word is 'significant', but I can see where it might not work for everyone)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I disagree about the emphasis. Since the common phrase is "significant other", I think saying "significant something-or-other" puts the emphasis on "something-or-other" and makes the person sound even more undefined or offhand.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

I see it more as an amused acknowledgement of the fact that society doesn't have "proper" terms for it yet, and that "significant other" has overtones of singleness.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I've called Casey "partner" for so long that the wedding hasn't changed a thing. I think I've said "husband" twice, and "partner" and "boyfriend" about 307 times each.

[bratman.livejournal.com]

It just happens that when I fall in love with someone, I don't fall out of love with the previous person, so it makes no sense for me to try to do monogamy. It's fine for the people it works for; it doesn't work for me.

Just recently I became more aware of how perfectly this works for me. You are such a good role model. (This is not me being bratty.)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I only just saw this (I'm not sure why), but thank you. I'm touched.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

It means when I fall in love with someone, I don't have to break up with the person I'm already in love with.

That's what it's about, for me.

Hello

[tattycat.livejournal.com]

I linked through to your LJ from polyamory; I friended you and characteristically forgot to mention it. I also know hitchhiker up there, and kshandra. (I feel like I'm listing my LJ creds...)

Anyway, I really appreciated getting to read this post. I'm moving into a triad, and reading about your family structure made me smile. Thank you.

Re: Hello

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Hiya! I would eventually have gotten around to hitting Joule (http://marnanel.org/joule?user=serenejournal&mode=chart) and adding you, but thanks for piping up. :-)

Are all three of you moving in together? Does anyone in the trio have other partners? How do you all get along roommate-wise? (You don't have to answer if you don't want. :-)

Re: Hello

[tattycat.livejournal.com]

whoof :D Good questions! We're currently in an LDR-- I'm in Idaho (*cringe*) and they're in Virginia. Because of the structure of my work contract, we have a year until I can move. We are planning to move in together, eventually to (hopefully) acquire a house and do some serious settling down.

It's intersting, because we're doing a lot of the usual roommate negotiation type things through conversation, and then the applied things happen when I'm visiting. So far, we seem to mesh well on many things, and be just laid back about the things that don't mesh that compromise isn't *too* painful.

As for other partners, the closest any of us have is my (extremely) LDR interest-- he's in Sweden (you may pretend not to notice a pattern at any moment). That's more of a deep affection with the potential for a bit of play, but is fairly untenable long term as more than that. And that's okay. Mostly.