(no subject)

[serene]

I will not call people cowardly closet cases.
I will not call people cowardly closet cases.
I will not call people cowardly closet cases.
I will not call people cowardly closet cases.

Comments

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Gonna try to let it go. Gonna try not to rail at the parent who wants to see if "the poly lifestyle" suits zir, wants to find a way to explain it to zir children, and wants to make sure the whole family keeps it a Deep Dark Secret so no one can use it against them.

Um. Nice burden to put on your kids. Grow a spine.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Ew. *spit*

Is this someone local? Sounds suspiciously like someone I know of locally.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Not that I know of. Alt.poly poster. But ya know, I know a LOT of people like this, and I want to shake them and say "Listen, if you think it will endanger your kids, DON'T FUCKING DO IT." If you think it's something you need to do, but you want to teach your kids to be ashamed of it, examine why you're willing to do something you're ashamed of. But mostly, if you think it will hurt your kids, STOP IT, you ASSHOLE.

(Just ranting. People should do what they think is best for them. I just have really really strong feelings about the kinds of messages people send to their kids, and the manipulation some people are willing to do to ensure that they can do whatever they want.)

I'd have more respect for someone who was so discreet that their kids didn't *know* about their being poly than for someone who expected their kids to lie for them.

[minimo.livejournal.com]

Um, yeah. I've seen that lying thing, and those kids will all be in therapy one day.

[sinanju.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there's this simple rule I try to follow:

Don't do anything you're ashamed of doing.

Then you don't have to lie. You don't have to live in fear of being found out. You don't have to ask friends/family who discover your secret to lie too. Lying is inconvenient and troublesome; you have to keep your stories straight and remember which story you told to whom. The truth is so much EASIER.

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

I'd have more respect for someone who was so discreet that their kids didn't *know* about their being poly than for someone who expected their kids to lie for them.

I don't know the backstory for this, but I can pretty much say unequivocally that getting your kids to lie for you is very damaging. Not only does it send the message that lying is OK (although, more than likely, this parent is also trying to teach their kid that lying isn't OK, thereby confusing the hell out of the kid), but it also puts way too much responsibility on the child. It takes a lot of mental energy to lie, to remember what you said to whom. And lies have a tendency to build on each other, as you tell one lie to cover for a previous one, and so on, so it gets easier and easier to screw up. That must be very stressful for a child!

I gather that the parent wants the kid to lie because they're afraid that the other spouse will try to get custody if he/she finds out about the poly relationship(s)? And if the kid understands that this is what's at stake, that could be pretty scary for them, and would definitely send the message that the parent isn't willing to do everything it takes to keep their child with them. Gee, thanks a lot!

On the other hand, consider a parent who comes out of the closet as queer after a divorce, and doesn't want the other spouse to find out, for the same reason. Should they not ever seek queer relationships? Wouldn't doing that just give homophobes more power? I don't know too many queers who would insist that, say, a lesbian mother stay in the closet (to the point of not pursuing relationships) to avoid potentially negative consequences. Instead, they would support her fighting for her right to be openly lesbian and keep her kids. So why should we expect anything less for a poly parent?

Expecting your kids to cover for you is damaging and wrong. But if the parent were openly poly, I would support them in that, because I think that if someone has the courage to be out about their life and to fight for it, we should stand behind them - that's the only way things change.

Unless I've come to the wrong conclusions here... this is only what I've managed to infer from the comments.