(no subject)

[serene]

Someone asked elsewhere whether condoms were ever an emotional barrier in committed poly relationships. My answer:

Condoms are never, for me, an emotional barrier. They're a piece of (usually) latex, a physical barrier, and basically at their root (heh) a medical precaution.

That said, there are people for whom I'm willing to get sick -- I'll kiss my partners when they have a bad cold, while I wouldn't have dinner with a friend in the same circumstance. In much the same way, I'm willing to risk disease (even serious disease) for people I love deeply, and so those people are more likely to be people with whom I decide condoms are not necessary between us. (If they're having barrier-free sex with other people, then I will use barriers with them, and it doesn't mean I love them any less. It just means I'm not willing to risk disease for someone I'm not in love with, including the partners of the people I love.)

Comments

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

There are times when I consider the use of condoms an *act* of love.

[jenhowell.livejournal.com]

This is actually a question I've been dealing with. The new man I've fallen in love with has oral herpes. I'm already condomless with Lee, who I've been with forever. I became so excited about the new man that I initially tried to negotiate for oral sex (both ways) and condomless sex, but now I realize that I was jumping the gun. However, at some point I'm really hoping that it will be acceptable to have these things with my new love. Lee is not totally adverse to it, but I'm wondering if it's even asking too much. Like you've said here, you'll risk disease for someone you love, but not for someone you aren't involved with. I guess that I'd be asking Lee to risk disease for someone he doesn't love in that way.

Although, at the same time, not being able to give head or have sex without latex does feel like a partial emotional barrier to me. For me, I feel a definite energy surge when skin touches skin. And oral sex with latex - have you had good experience with this if it's not tmi?

Anyway, sorry to drop my angst all over your journal, but I haven't wanted to post about it on the poly community and to respect privacy, I haven't posted it on my journal. Since no one else I know comes here, I figure it's safe.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I'm happy to talk about it, either here or in email, any time you want.

I've had fine experiences with oral sex with latex. One of my current partners, with whom I expect to spend the rest of my life, is someone I use barriers with (his existing partner prefers not to add me and my other partners to her risk, and I don't blame her -- she and I really trust and adore each other; this isn't about trust). Hey, when the condoms come out, he knows he's getting a blow job. :-) We treat it as just a fact of life. There are lots of barriers to intimacy -- I don't think a thin sheet of latex needs to be one of them.

(For oral sex on women, good choices are Saran Wrap (regular, NOT the microwave kind with the holes in it), and a latex glove with the fingers cut off.)

[jenhowell.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the input. Hopefully, I can learn to love safe sex as much as I do regular sex :)

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I honestly looked at it as a step in my maturity. Then again, in my 20s, people I loved were dying left and right from AIDS, so I'm highly motivated to treat safer sex as a good thing rather than a drag.

[geminigirl]

The microwave/non-microwave thing, in my experience and training hasn't existed in many years. I know there are still places that are saying "non-microwaveable" but, my own training has indicated otherwise.

The logic behind it, as I was taught, is that it's nearly impossible to find plastic wrap that doesn't go in the microwave anymore, but that aside, the concern with the microwaveable stuff was that the pores could open up allowing stuff to pass through. However, the amount of heat generated by oral sex (no matter how hot) is not hot enough to open the pores in the plastic wrap.

[treacle-well.livejournal.com]

Although, at the same time, not being able to give head or have sex without latex does feel like a partial emotional barrier to me. For me, I feel a definite energy surge when skin touches skin. And oral sex with latex - have you had good experience with this if it's not tmi?

I'll add my datapoints here. Latex hasn't ever felt like an emotional barrier to me. I have had good experiences with oral sex using condoms and plastic wrap, but I definitely like performing oral sex without a barrier better in terms of sensations, even though for safer-sex reasons I prefer to use a barrier. Receiving oral sex through a barrier doesn't actually feel all that different to me though.

[dryadgrl]

Interesting.
For PIV sex, latex makes no difference to me that I've ever been able to tell. So I just insist period (and I'm not wanting any more babies aside from any other issues).

The oral sex thing I feel like I'm still working out. Sometimes it seems fine to me, with some people on some days and sometimes not. I don't enjoy giving head to men with condoms, but I don't like to swallow semen (generally) either, so I came to terms with it to some extent. And for receiving, I'm so sensitive that I have felt like it takes a lot of instruction with m ost people to get it right so barriers don't make that much difference in the long run for me.

ButI have sometimes perceived barrier oral sex as an intimacy thing - but not always. Maybe I should give up this comment, I don't have anything really clear to say. I used to think it was always clear that this=barrier or not and now I'm not sure. For me it's partly because I was poly, then mono now uncertain, so I'm not sure I'm willing to commit to a position as I suspect that it will change the next time I'm in relationship depnding on people's status and commitment level.

But I'm really glad to be seeing people havin gthis discussion and reading the feedback.