On being fat and hot

[serene]

I wrote the following in response to an interesting article[1] at Red No. 3 on fat admirers (FAs). Basically, I don't want to be loved in spite of my fat, or because of it -- I want people to love me for me, and to find me hot because they find me hot.

First I dated men who were with me despite my weight. Then I dated a man who thought I wasn't quite fat enough, and a lightbulb went off in my brain. That was when I stopped settling for anyone who was settling for me. Next, I met and married a woman who wrote a poem about my "Venus bundles of curves" and could sit and look at me all day. I was truly admired and she thought that not only was I hot, but so hot that she couldn't imagine that everyone wouldn't see it.

Nowadays, I still don't settle, and when I walk down the street with my lovers and they admire women who look a lot like me, it just makes me really glad I traded up.

[1] Not going to get into how idiotic I find the phrase "differently-straight". ;-)

Comments

[firecat]

Yeah!

[violet-tigress1.livejournal.com]

Not going to get into how idiotic I find the phrase "differently-straight". ;-)

Ick.That's worse than "differently abled"

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Ayup. Whodathunk it was possible?

[redbird]

Not settling is good, isn't it?

At the same time, while the phrase "differently straight" is silly at best, I think the writer has a point about how narrow the expectations of "straight" can be--which are a lot narrower than either "with a partner of the other [1] sex" or "only attracted to people of the other sex."

Also, one of the places we are going to find allies on queer issues is among people who realize that yes, their relationships are legally accepted and/or they can pass, but they aren't quite considered normal. Not the only place, of course, but one of them. If he wants to call himself "differently straight" and it leads him to work for same-sex marriage rights and anti-discrimination laws, I think that's a win. (Then again, it would probably be a win if the whole concept of "straight" collapsed.)


[1] There is no room in that model for the idea of more than two genders.

About that...

[(Anonymous)]

This is Brian of Red No. 3. I can tell you that "silly" is pretty much the extent I was going for. I wouldn't necessarily self-identify as "differently straight" but did want to explore the expectations of heterosexuality beyond simply attraction to a person of the opposite gender. I'd hardly suggest a "differently straight" movement, but there is a phenomenon of being inside the "normal" while still being very much outside of it.

Re: About that...

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

How you like your women to look is orthagonal to the fact that you like women. And the history of the sappy garbage that is "differently abled" gets bundled into the term you used, making it less than silly -- more like trivializing and meaningless.

The rest of your article I found interesting, though. In general, I have not had good experiences around people who identify as FAs, because the ones I have met have tended to fetishize fat and treat every fat woman as though she has given them permission to touch her. I appreciated that your article addressed all of that.

[patgund.livejournal.com]

For me, it's as simple as I find personalities of more concern than body types. Some of the women I've dated have been larger, others haven't. It's as simple as that

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

I don't want to be loved in spite of my fat, or because of it -- I want people to love me for me, and to find me hot because they find me hot.

that's why i hate the term 'bbw'

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I'm with you. I also find it cutesy, but that's another issue.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I had a bit of a, "Get over yourself," reaction to that article. I mean, I always think it's cool to hear people say, "Hey, I think fat {people} are hot," if only as a counter to all the messages claiming that they can't be. And I admit that in highschool I felt kind of marginalized and made fun of for my preferences. Not enough to pretend otherwise, but still. However, ultimately, it's never been a big deal at all, and certainly not enough to be considered "differently straight". And all long there have been lots of other people who I think felt the same. I mean, if it was such a wildly unique and revolutionary trait, there wouldn't be ten trillion BBW porn websites waiting to accept whomever's credit card, and a whole section of "large ladies" videos in the porn store.

So I agree with what you're saying here, but I also objected to the "differently straight" thing for maybe the same and maybe different reasons. In a lot of ways I read the article with the same mindset as reading Yet Another Stereotypically Goth Teen go on about how weird and out-there they are and how nobody really understands them.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yep, I totally agree with all that. It kind of reminds me of poly people who say "We are, too, 'queer' because no one accepts *us*, either." Er, no.

[tfcocs.livejournal.com]

Hello! I found your journal by reading the comments in the above mentioned article, and meandered over here. When I saw your user name, I thought it sounded vaguely familiar, so I went to your profile page. We both have two wonderful people in common on our reading lists (knightp and supergee, the latter of whom has been on my list since I started this journal). Moreover, and I did not notice this until a few minutes ago, it appears that we both grew up in San Diego in the early eighties. I took classes at Grossmont College at around the same time you did! Small world, eh?

I guess it goes without saying (but I shall) that I plan to add you to my reading list, and invite you to reciprocate. Take care!

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I was Sandi/Sandra Vannoy in those days, and took a lot of music classes. Wonder if we knew each other?

Anyway, hiya!

[tfcocs.livejournal.com]

A belated hello again! I don't think we knew each other then, since I went to Henry, and graduated in 1984. My senior photo is used as my avatar for this comment, FWIW.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

I, too, have wandered over and found several cool folks in our mutual flists.

This post hits some of my hot buttons. I don't think I'm as far evolved as you are, and I'm hoping reading through some writings about how you got to a place of acceptance and peace with being a fat woman might give me a few ideas to ponder.

I've friended you, if you're OK with that. Thank you!

Katje

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I'm happy to meet you.

It hit some of my hot buttons, too, but perhaps different ones from yours. I am a little leery of people who describe themselves as "Fat Admirers", because so many of the ones I've met/read have been more of what I would call fetishists. However, I do think the entry does a fairly good job of addressing those concerns of mine.

Which buttons did it push for you, if you feel like saying?