Gender ID musings
Jul. 19th, 2007 09:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Thinking about gender today, which doesn't really make today different from any other day, but I feel like writing it down between bouts of housekeeping. This is really very rambly, and doesn't really go anywhere, so look! there will be a cut to save you from the dread ramble:
Was talking (between blushes and sighs) with the Suitor about gender identity in general, and mine in specific. I have never identified as Femme, though others have sometimes-okay-often assumed that I am Femme, or identified me that way. This is actually fine with me, since I'm not all that attached to the words other people use to describe me, even if they don't match my self-identity (cf my lack of serious objection if someone calls me an agnostic or a lesbian). I am, however, clearly on the girly side of most gender spectra, and no one's ever going to mistake me for a boy (though I am officially on record as being a transwoman[1]).
One time, a good friend asked to raid my closet. It never occurred to me to warn her that I don't keep a femme-y amount of clothing around, because I didn't know the code. I've never been in femme-y space, socially, and I don't carry around those expectations. She was clearly surprised that I own only a few outfits (though most of them are velvet or lace or some such girly fabric). Maybe my hippychickness trumps my femme-iness. Or maybe I'm femme, but not "high femme", as the Suitor calls her girlfriend.
Growing up, I never doubted that I was a girl, but I did things girls weren't "supposed to" do: Fixed things, excelled at math, was smart... My mom, to her credit, verbalized her belief that I could do whatever I wanted with my life (if I lost weight, that is), and I really don't remember being conscious of having huge restrictions on what I could do based on gender.
But now, I'm more conscious, and I look back and see that my brothers were off in the neighborhood, playing with their friends, and I was standing on a stepstool next to my mom, learning how to make latkes or lasagne. I was her girl, and that was clear. She dressed me in frills and lace, discouraged me from going to auto-mechanics class, and wanted me to marry a doctor (a male one, natch).
I don't know. For the past few years, I've said that the best I can come up with for my gender identity is either "woman" or "girly", and I am reluctant to start a precedent for people I don't know to think it's okay to call me me a "girl". These things is complicated, and while I am not super-attached to the words *others* use for me, I'm endlessly fascinated with my own word choices.
So one partner calls me "girl" and one calls me "princess", and one calls me "girlness", but in public, I call myself "woman".
[1: That is, a friend of mine in San Diego thought I was a transwoman, and identified me as such to the local newspaper during an interview on the state of the local poetry scene. I was charmed.]
Was talking (between blushes and sighs) with the Suitor about gender identity in general, and mine in specific. I have never identified as Femme, though others have sometimes-okay-often assumed that I am Femme, or identified me that way. This is actually fine with me, since I'm not all that attached to the words other people use to describe me, even if they don't match my self-identity (cf my lack of serious objection if someone calls me an agnostic or a lesbian). I am, however, clearly on the girly side of most gender spectra, and no one's ever going to mistake me for a boy (though I am officially on record as being a transwoman[1]).
One time, a good friend asked to raid my closet. It never occurred to me to warn her that I don't keep a femme-y amount of clothing around, because I didn't know the code. I've never been in femme-y space, socially, and I don't carry around those expectations. She was clearly surprised that I own only a few outfits (though most of them are velvet or lace or some such girly fabric). Maybe my hippychickness trumps my femme-iness. Or maybe I'm femme, but not "high femme", as the Suitor calls her girlfriend.
Growing up, I never doubted that I was a girl, but I did things girls weren't "supposed to" do: Fixed things, excelled at math, was smart... My mom, to her credit, verbalized her belief that I could do whatever I wanted with my life (if I lost weight, that is), and I really don't remember being conscious of having huge restrictions on what I could do based on gender.
But now, I'm more conscious, and I look back and see that my brothers were off in the neighborhood, playing with their friends, and I was standing on a stepstool next to my mom, learning how to make latkes or lasagne. I was her girl, and that was clear. She dressed me in frills and lace, discouraged me from going to auto-mechanics class, and wanted me to marry a doctor (a male one, natch).
I don't know. For the past few years, I've said that the best I can come up with for my gender identity is either "woman" or "girly", and I am reluctant to start a precedent for people I don't know to think it's okay to call me me a "girl". These things is complicated, and while I am not super-attached to the words *others* use for me, I'm endlessly fascinated with my own word choices.
So one partner calls me "girl" and one calls me "princess", and one calls me "girlness", but in public, I call myself "woman".
[1: That is, a friend of mine in San Diego thought I was a transwoman, and identified me as such to the local newspaper during an interview on the state of the local poetry scene. I was charmed.]
no subject
Date: 2007-07-20 12:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-20 01:22 pm (UTC)With partners I have always been the more girly one. I also earn 6 figures, teach dog obedience and train in martial arts. For a while I refused to describe myself as het, bi or dyke - mostly because I like to keep people on their courtesy toes when it comes to sexism.
Ultimately, unless I am in an intimate relationship with someone my femme-ness is nothing they get to fuck around with. And if they are in an intimate relationship with me I've already established they'll deal with me respectfully.
My mother gave me the model for this quite inadvertantly. She said when I came out that I could not possibly be a lesbian because I flirted with a plumber when I was 12. I don't remember the incident she was referring to but I do recall thinking "Bullshit, I'll be the judge of what I feel thanks"
no subject
Date: 2007-07-20 03:25 pm (UTC)i present as femme--we all know that. after that--well i think that i am different amounts of femme in different relationships with different partners. sometimes i am pretty darned butch. i know that i have to have partners who are fluid about gender roles.
i think that you are more femme than i am when you are near me, but i think i only get to talk about how you are when you are around me, and at that, only about my perceptions. maybe you feel all butch inside when you are talking with me--who can say?