wonder if I really am getting meaner

[serene]

What follows is a ramble that may not end up making any sense at all, but that's okay.

Lately, I've been blunter than usual, less likeable, I think, but I'm strangely unbothered by it. My dad thinks I'm depressed, and I might be, but mostly I just feel a mild tired-and-anxious feeling that contributes to an unwillingness to put much energy into making sure those around me never take offense at anything I say.

I've also been far more worried about health issues this past year than is my custom, and I wonder if that makes me just too self-involved to worry about what others are thinking of me. Canceled my physical today, because really what I need is an actual doctor's appointment, but that involves switching primary physicians, because my current primary would tell me that losing weight was the solution if I walked in with a gunshot wound.

Some days I'm so grateful to be at this job because I have time for writing and self-reflection. Other times, I hate this job because I have time for writing and self-reflection.

I vant to be alone, yet I'm craving NRE. Cross-purposes, that's the concept for the day.

Here's the moment when I consider deleting the whole thing out of fear of seeming whiny, and today it seems silly to care how I sound.

I think I'm pissing off schillerium with this patriotism discussion we're having, but I don't know how to get across to zir my feelings about patriotism without zir reading it as "schillerium is wrong/bad for feeling patriotic, and Canadians are a bunch of inferior (heh, I typoed "inferiour") jerks," so I'm gonna let it sit for a while. Where's therealjae when you need zir?

I have two months in which to plan an alt.polyflock that (a) can't be held at my house, and (b) might be attended by me and me alone. If it were at my house, I wouldn't mind if no one showed up, because hey, at least I'm home and it doesn't cost me anything if weekend guests don't show up. But since I have to rent a hotel room or two, if no one comes, I'm just out the money, and I *so* didn't want the alt.polyflock to involve any angst around money; that's why I was so excited about holding it in my new place. Now that there's not going to be a new place, not for a long time, anyway, it seems like I'd just rather cancel it, but if people are going to come... see how my mind is just going in circles today? Wonder if it's the anemia making me fuddlebrained.

Comments

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

Someone's having a fun day.

Bummer about the doctor. I hope you can get a new one. In the Slinker household, we've had all sorts of fun dealing with doctors over the past year and most of them suck. The gf did manage to find one who won't give her a hard time about losing weight though.

What do you think about patriotism? I'm having a hard time getting a fix on it from your dialogue with Craig in his journal.

And the alt.polyflock seems to have been stressing you out for a little while now. It shouldn't be stressful in a bad way, it should be fun. How many people would be needed for a weekend that you'd feel good about? How many people have expressed serious interest in coming down for it? Are those two numbers close together?

If I were in your shoes, I'd give myself permission to back out as long as nobody had bought plane tickets already. Sometimes, just knowing that you have the option to bail makes it possible to go forward in a happier way.

[lcohen]

sorry serene, now i'm learning how to make comments and you're my guinea pig.

my question was whether you get NRE from building friendships with no romantic component, or only friendships with a romantic component or at least some potential? i've always been able to get a lot of NRE from the former--when i meet someone and i think we've got the potential to be really good friends, i get all excited and talk or e-mail them a lot trying to get to know them and build the relationship and then when things seem solid, it settles back into something less intense and quite comfortable with times of heightened contact if something is going on in one or the other of our lives that needs extra care and attention. and not a hint of romance or attraction--yet the energy feels very much the same to me.

and yes, i hope you find a new doctor. geesh.

lisa

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Call me. Collect, if you want. Thee and me are overdue for some sort of R&R.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Alas and alack, I can't fit my brain around making any plans right now, and my Palm is at home. Call you tonight?

[halibut.livejournal.com]

Hey Serene,

Was thinking about you earlier. Sorry you've been feeling down. Well, it sounds like mild depression to me; often how mine happens. I just start being a bit icky to people around me and then realise after a few days that it's the old D.

Good luck with the polyflock. Hope it comes together funly.

Looks like my planned mini-YASBP at Easter is going to be just Cerulean & I, which is a wee bit disappointing, but nevertheless, it's always wonderful to see him.

H

[shaktiqueen.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you were feeling so down yesterday.
About the polyflock, have you decide to pursue planning it? If so I may know of someone who's house you can use for it. You probably already know them but I don't know if you are friends or not. Anyway, this house is in a great location with a beautiful hot tub and big back yard. They are poly and bi and frequently open their home to events.
Let me know if this is a help. This is the first I have heard about a poly gathering so close to home.
Persephone

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the offer, but this is a gathering of alt.poly people, not poly people in general. Do you know if they are alt.poly readers?

[shaktiqueen.livejournal.com]

I don't think they are. But I will get in touch with them and find out.
Can occasional alt.poly readers attend?