wonder if I really am getting meaner

[serene]

What follows is a ramble that may not end up making any sense at all, but that's okay.

Lately, I've been blunter than usual, less likeable, I think, but I'm strangely unbothered by it. My dad thinks I'm depressed, and I might be, but mostly I just feel a mild tired-and-anxious feeling that contributes to an unwillingness to put much energy into making sure those around me never take offense at anything I say.

I've also been far more worried about health issues this past year than is my custom, and I wonder if that makes me just too self-involved to worry about what others are thinking of me. Canceled my physical today, because really what I need is an actual doctor's appointment, but that involves switching primary physicians, because my current primary would tell me that losing weight was the solution if I walked in with a gunshot wound.

Some days I'm so grateful to be at this job because I have time for writing and self-reflection. Other times, I hate this job because I have time for writing and self-reflection.

I vant to be alone, yet I'm craving NRE. Cross-purposes, that's the concept for the day.

Here's the moment when I consider deleting the whole thing out of fear of seeming whiny, and today it seems silly to care how I sound.

I think I'm pissing off schillerium with this patriotism discussion we're having, but I don't know how to get across to zir my feelings about patriotism without zir reading it as "schillerium is wrong/bad for feeling patriotic, and Canadians are a bunch of inferior (heh, I typoed "inferiour") jerks," so I'm gonna let it sit for a while. Where's therealjae when you need zir?

I have two months in which to plan an alt.polyflock that (a) can't be held at my house, and (b) might be attended by me and me alone. If it were at my house, I wouldn't mind if no one showed up, because hey, at least I'm home and it doesn't cost me anything if weekend guests don't show up. But since I have to rent a hotel room or two, if no one comes, I'm just out the money, and I *so* didn't want the alt.polyflock to involve any angst around money; that's why I was so excited about holding it in my new place. Now that there's not going to be a new place, not for a long time, anyway, it seems like I'd just rather cancel it, but if people are going to come... see how my mind is just going in circles today? Wonder if it's the anemia making me fuddlebrained.

Comments

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Call me. Collect, if you want. Thee and me are overdue for some sort of R&R.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Alas and alack, I can't fit my brain around making any plans right now, and my Palm is at home. Call you tonight?