these questions may have no answers

[serene]

why do I care even the tiniest bit (which is about how much I care, generally) if someone I don't particularly like unfriends me?

why don't I care enough to unfriend them in return?

why on earth is the damn thing called "friends" to begin with?

Comments

[malte.livejournal.com]

'Friends' is a pretty stupid term for it, really. Try 'people who I allow to read friends-only posts and whose LJ entries I choose to keep slightly closer track of than everyone else'.

Not that that precludes being friendswithasmallf, of course.

/malte, one of whose Friends is a Relative

[schillerium.livejournal.com]

As I mentioned to somebody else recently, I don't think that type of terminology would -- at least for me -- make it any easier to handle. No matter what you called it, I'd still be upset and wonder what I'd done wrong if somebody removed me from their "friends" list.

[supergee.livejournal.com]

"Friends" really is a poor term, and it arouses anxiety.

I don't do, or plan to do, friends-only posts, so there's no reason not to be sluttish in this regard.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I didn't do friends-only posts for a very long time because it's just not like me. Then cute-poet-chick requested to know less about my life, so I added filters. Again, it's just not like me. Still, it's a fact of life for the time being, I guess.

[lysana.livejournal.com]

One of the founders noted on one of the main LJ forums that in the beginning of this site, Friends was a fair description. I recall that changing how that particular function is labeled is on their list of items to change, according to the same post.

I'm colder than you about dropping someone who's dropped me. The only time I won't is if they tell me they're saving my LJ as a bookmarked page to read as opposed to being on their LJ reading list and they're in filters I want them to stay in.

And I've felt a little pang at someone I barely know dropping me. It means, "I find you less interesting. I need to walk away now." It's a minor thing, but it's still something of a rejection regardless of why.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

I recently trimmed my friends list down to about half its previous size. It was basically a time management issue. I still occasionally read most of the journals that were previously on my friends list when I'm at home, but I spend less time on LJ at work.

I wound up unfriending a bunch of local real-life friends and I wondered if I should post something apologetic, but then I thought it seemed incredibly self-absorbed to imagine that anyone would care if I kept up with their journal so I didn't bother.

I really wish it was easier to maintain a private reading list. I tried filters but they were more trouble than it was worth.

[danger-chick.livejournal.com]

That's funny. I usually read your friend's page, because I like the range of people on your friends list. They're not people I know well enough to put them on my friend's list, so I just read them through yours. But, anyway, I was wondering recently why your friend's page seemed so underpopulated and I thought maybe everyone was on vacation together or something.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

Me toooo!!! I add people to my list to see if I want to read them regularly. Now I'm terrified of taking them off. Not enough not to do it, but enough to wonder if they're gonna get pissy. Or wounded. Or wonder. Or what.

(Why check? Why care? What planet am I from?)

[lcohen]

i take off about one person for every 40 or so i add, i think. it's so easy to elide right over things that i'm not in the mood to read right at that moment. i did create a filter to use to read a smaller list at work. i can also use it if someone goes on a quiz binge and isn't using cut tags or something that makes my page behave badly. if i notice that i'm always skipping a person's stuff then i take them off.


but the whole thing is madness. i've added tons of people who have no idea who i am to read fascinating conversations that they are having about books i've read or would like to read. but the thought of getting all bent out of shape because they don't turn around and add a stranger who added them for they have no idea why....could anything possibly be a bigger waste of time?

[knkdyke.livejournal.com]

why on earth is the damn thing called "friends" to begin with?


Because "people I might know and might not know who I want to read all about, despite the fact that I've never met them in real life and in some cases have no clue as to what they are talking about" is too long.

[danger-chick.livejournal.com]

Actually the people on my friend's list are people that I am sort of friends with. I know that *we* have never really met, but we've flirted through email for years so I feel comfortable telling you things I wouldn't tell just anyone.

I am having a similar problem myself. I got my LJ code through one of M's roommates, who was a good friend before I started dating M. Spending a lot of time with his roommate has put me over some threshold of being able to deal with him. Two nights ago I wanted to kill the guy because he was reading over my shoulder while I was on the laptop, which I hate. I would like to defriend this guy, because I don't want him to have more knowledge about the inner workings of my relationship with M than he gets from being in the house. I don't feel like I can because of the message it sends and the fact he gave me my LJ code. I ended up creating a custom friends list that doesn't have him in it. Ick.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

We've never met? Hmph. Some people.

[danger-chick.livejournal.com]

You were so tired that night that it barely counts. I was hoping to sit and talk to you a bunch but you were obviously quite overwhelmed from the con.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Heh. I was fine; it just takes me a little while to warm up in new social situations. You seemed a bit preoccupied, and I didn't know how to break that particular ice. I didn't talk much with slinkr, either. No worries, though, I adore you both and we'll manage it again some time. After all, I've turned into TravelChick lately. :-)

[redbird]

Ick indeed. Double ick that you're that uncomfortable with a sweetie's roommate.

[danger-chick.livejournal.com]

He's OK in limited doses.... The problem is dating his roommate means I am around in much more than limited doses.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

The two people whose unfriending of me made me twinge a little are both people I've met in person, and with whom I don't think I have had any falling out. I think it just made me wonder if I've done something to make them not like me -- and then I get my head out of my ass and remember that this is NOT grade school and people are not telling me I'm icky if they decide my journal isn't their cup of tea. Sometimes I just need to get over myself.

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

That hasn't happened to me yet, so I can't say for sure whether my reaction would be more along the lines of "whatever!", "huh, I wonder what the story was with that?", obsessing on "gee, what did I *do*?" or what.

The "friends" label can be a pretty emotionally charged thing -- there are a bunch of people I read but who I haven't added to my "friends" list because I worry they would think I was presuming too much. I saw a claim (and am totally blanking on where I saw it) that LiveJournal might be planning to split the "friends" functionality into *two* lists, called "people I read" and "people I trust", but I think that if anything a label like the latter would be even *more* problematic and emotionally charged than "friends".