Subtle little/big shift

[serene]

Not sure I can put this into words that make any sense, but I'll try.

Sitting here collating paperwork, mindless work, pondering emails and my experiences over the last few months, I started realizing gently and slowly, over a few minutes' span, that I get to be done with grief when I'm done with it, and I get to go back to being entirely joyful whenever I want, and I choose now. Not suddenly, but smoothly, the grief and regret over the last year or so of my life just kind of washed away, and I saw myself clearly, and saw how I can just let go of worrying about what it will do to others if I am happy.

I don't want to be overdramatic, or assume this will last past the next few hours or whatever, but I feel renewed. I think that sometimes sleep deprivation and monotony are the equivalent of meditation.

Comments

[red-frog.livejournal.com]

Must be something in the air. Yesterday was the first time that I was not heavily conscious of it being the 22nd of the month. I actually forgot until talking to lcohen today, when it hit me in the middle of something I was saying. And I even had to think of the date once yesterday and it didn't hit me then.

I feel a little weird about forgetting, but it's okay.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

It would be wrong/disrespectful to compare your last year to mine too much, but I sometimes feel like our emotional arcs have been similar, if that makes any sense.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I've experienced something akin to that in the last few months. A feeling of lightness and letting some stuff go. I'm looking for a woard, and it's not "forgiving" - it really wasn't a matter of forgiving. Acceptance and moving on and rediscovering that all was not bad. Far from it, in fact.

Sleep deprivation can focus the mind in wonderful ways :). I'm glad you're finding this peace :).

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yes, "letting go" works for me.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Here's to letting things be done when they're done, and living joyfully and mindfully.

Go, you.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks. I feel like peace has descended upon me -- no, make that arisen from me -- and everything is working a little better, even after getting some sleep. :-) Sadness serves a purpose, but I was getting too attached to mine.

Prediction

[firecat]

Even if the feeling of joy doesn't last, it will come back, and stick around more and more over time.

I discovered recently that sleep deprivation causes release of serotonin. It sounded like a really good reason why I've tended for decades to sleep on a 6hrs-6hrs-9hrs three day schedule - I've been self-medicating.

And handling paper / putting things in order has always been a marvelous mood enhancer for me.

Re: Prediction

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I've been on a pretty long stretch of overall sleep deprivation, and it's not all bad, but I do feel like I want to try to get more sleep. Not sure what I will give up to do it -- certainly not sex. ;-)

Re: Prediction

[firecat]

I've been favoring sleep over sex for a long time now. 'Twill be interesting to see if that changes now that certain medical problems are taken care of. :-)

Re: Prediction

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

*waggles eyebrows*

[artemii.livejournal.com]

yay. :)
i agree with previous comment -- even if it departs for a while, it will come back, and last longer each time.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

From previous experience, I think you're right.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

I feel that way about certain kinds of monotony too. And congratulations.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[wandra.livejournal.com]

*smile*

Thank you for putting this into words.

I hope the feeling of renewal persists, and/or returns.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Still feeling really good.

*smile*

[intenselaura.livejournal.com]

Yay!

I love you. *smooch*

Re: *smile*

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetness. Love you, too.

[lcohen]

i am not able to be entirely joyful, but i am really totally able to experience joy and lots of it. i talked about a lot of sad stuff on this trip and so i cried not infrequently, but i was not sad in the moment but sad in the memory, if that makes sense. the trip was filled with moments of joy and beauty and love.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

It makes lots and lots of sense. I still have sad thoughts and memories and moments, but I don't feel as... umm, consumed by them today as I felt even a week ago.

(Just got off the phone with cute-poet-chick, who chastised me for not calling her Sunday to see if she was safe, even though she didn't call me, and I was in the ER with someotherguy half the day. Even a month ago, that conversation would have sent me into a tailspin. I think things are getting better.)