(no subject)

[serene]

On a list I'm on, someone said zie isn't out about being poly because no one needs to know what zie's doing in bed, or something like that. That inspired a -- well, not exactly a rant, because I'm not worked up about it or anything -- but a fairly passionate explanation of why being out works for me. Please don't read it if: (a) you don'wanna; (b) you are likely to read "I'm out and it works for me" as "you're a moron if you're not out"; or (c) you would be distressed to find out my brothers are monogamous hetboys.



Who I love is not about what goes on in my bedroom -- it's about who
I spend my love and time on, and who I will take to family functions.
It's about whose rings I wear and whose photos are on my desk at work,
and whose serious illness means I will spend the night in a chair in a
hospital room. Being out about being poly means that my family of
origin treats my loves as family (I know that's not a given, but my
family is used to adjusting to my weirdness, and I believe that my
matter-of-fact outness all my life got them ready for having so
many out-laws on my side). Being out about poly means I don't have
to introduce the people I plan to spend the rest of my life with as
my "friends" or my "roommates".

If people are offended by the fact that the people I love number
four rather than one, it's not about what I do in the bedroom. It's
about their intolerance. My siblings are married to one person each,
and I have no idea what they do in the bedroom, [edit: Except I know
whatever it is, it's netted them ten-going-on-eleven kids between them]
nor do they have any idea what I do. Still, they can say "my wife and I
went to the store and bought a lamp" and people don't say "You have
a WIFE? I don't want to know what you do in bed, dude!"

Anyway, being out is not about throwing anything in anyone's face,
for me. It's about having the same consideration for my loves as
my brothers have for their wives -- they are together and in love,
and everyone knows it. Likewise with me and my partners, and
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Comments

[saoba.livejournal.com]

I swoon in your direction and also agree most vigorously.

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

Swoon heap forming!

[mhw.livejournal.com]

*applause*

[halibut.livejournal.com]

Wonderful comments :-D
*hug*

[catya.livejournal.com]

nice rant! :) I have another of yours reposted here (http://www.catya.org/poly/out.html) - should i add this one to it? :)

[catya.livejournal.com]

second ping for permission...

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Oops, sorry! I am so so so behind on email (and I didn't know exactly how to answer "should I add this one to it" -- it seemed you were asking me to decide if it were important enough or something, and I put off answering until later.) Permission, on the other hand, is no problem. Post or share anything I write, any time you want. :-)

[catya.livejournal.com]

thanks! :) sorry for being unclear.

[machineplay.livejournal.com]

I love this. :) You put these things in such good perspective.

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Bravissima!

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Still, they can say "my wife and I went to the store and bought a lamp" and people don't say "You have a WIFE? I don't want to know what you do in bed, dude!"

I've heard the same argument about people who either aren't out, or don't think other people should be out, about being queer, and that response is the best ever.

[lysana.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

people who either aren't out, or don't think other people should be out

So not the same thing at all.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Error between brain and keyboard on my part.

By I've heard the same argument about people who either aren't out, or don't think other people should be out I meant I've heard the same argument from people who either aren't out, or don't think other people should be out. They aren't the same, but I've heard the argument from both sets.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

Ah, okay. I don't personally feel my lack of outness has anything to do with what I believe other people should or shouldn't to.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Beautiful statement Serene. Thanks for posting it.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Of course I'm distressed that your brothers are monogamous hetboys -- there are way too many monogamous hetboys already (of course, my brother is also one, but I love him anyway).

Apart from that, right on!

Yay!

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I'm dealing with having the most conservative and corporate job I've ever had, so there really aren't a lot of folks I am out to as poly at work. OTOH, I don't have any sweeties that are yet at the love-and-would-sit-at-hospital-bedside phase. (Note: I would offer childcare for the sweeties with kids, which might actually be more helpful in any case.)

Your rant is lovely. Thank you.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I fall on the swooning heap.

Being me, I then also say that there are all kinds of people for whom I would (and have) spent the night in a chair in a hospital room who aren't sweeties.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

You are absolutely right about the double standard. People (well, most people, anyhow) don't hear half of a monogamous het couple say "my wife" or "my husband" and immediately start speculating about their sex life. But step outside of that paradigm and suddenly that's all anyone seems to think about.

And it will continue to be that way until enough people know enough non-het-monogamous people that it doesn't seem so outré any more. For that reason, among others, I admire people like you who have the strength and security to be, not just out, but matter-of-factly out -- because that's what will eventually change the default settings. I'm not poly myself, but I am pagan, and I try to do the same sort of thing about that.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

People (well, most people, anyhow) don't hear half of a monogamous het couple say "my wife" or "my husband" and immediately start speculating about their sex life.

Unless the statement is something like, "My husband and I went shopping for riding crops," and they know you don't have a horse.:g:.