What a swell party this isn't

[serene]

Scene: party Saturday night, which I only attended in trophy-wife capacity (cute-poet-chick's college friend's birthday)

Montessori Teacher who looks like Garry Shandling and says things like "We traveled through Egypt, and everyone does laundry by hand. Lots of people earn their living doing laundry for others. It's a social thing for women to do it. So if they had washing machines, it would hurt their economy."

Me, after about an hour of ignoring his idiocy and chuckling lightly at his stupid jokes: "So, you have three teenaged daughters? Wow."

Garry Shandling: "Yeah. I'm the only guy in a house full of girls. So I have to keep remembering to think down to their level."

Me: "Um, excuse me. *Down*?"

GS: "You know what I mean. Guys think on one level, and girls on another."

Me: "Oh. And it's *down* a level? *Down*?"

GS: *sputter* "You know what I mean."

Cute-poet-chick, sotto voce: "Doesn't he realize he's sitting at a table with a bunch of women who are bigger than he is?"

Me, to GS: "Hey, that's right. I could totally kick your ass."

Me, to cute-poet-chick: "Here, honey, hold my jacket."

Grrrrrr.

Comments

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I have neither the time nor the inclination tonight to list the Oh So Many things that are wrong about your post above. Nor is it my job to educate you on the history of class, race, and gender issues. For the moment, just ruminate on the fact that it is *always* the white men who accuse me of racism when I make the suggestion that growing up as white (boys and then) men may possibly have made them the *teeeensiest* bit insensitive to the realities of oppression as it relates to women and minorities. While you think on that, reading a book or a website or something about the dynamics of class, race, and gender wouldn't hurt. Again, it is not my job to educate you about these things.

[breckan.livejournal.com]

Hmm.

Theres nothing wrong with it, actually.

Its just that you aren't a white male, so... umm... you aren't qualified (by your own logic) to understand or comment on, or even see, whats sexist racist or otherwise wrong in your appraisal of it. But you've had years of not being a male, so I don't plan to educate you why you're wrong.

Translation:
Digging in heels doesnt actually help anyone to actually reach understanding, does it.....?

Fanaticism never does.

Sometimes people have to talk, not pre-judge, however tempting and obvious prejudging might be.

Thats my only and main point. If you don't see it, we really do have to agree to differ.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

The situation as it now stands for me:

I posted something humorous in my journal (*my* journal) about encountering a man whose apparently unconscious sexism amused and annoyed me.

You jumped in with your usual fluffy-barfy-no-one-is-wrong-can't-we-cut-the-poor-guy-some-slack rhetoric. (Again, in *my* journal.)

I wrote what was admittedly a dismissive comment in response. I reserve the right to dismiss people who miss my point by a mile and a half.

You continue to speak to me in a condescending tone, and while I may feel up to addressing every one of your individual points at some point, at the moment I do not. If that's a problem for you, it's your problem. This is my journal, and I'll write what I choose to write.

[breckan.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone, including myself, has suggested you might not be able to write what you choose to write. However since the LJ's are open for 3rd party comments by choice, I assume thats for people to indeed add their honest 3rd party comments.

I do feel you are feeling condescension where there is none. Condescension implies disrespect and as you well know, I have none of that towards you. We've known each other long enough for you to know that. But thats your right, too.

You posted about a man who was plain sexist (on the surface) and about the reactions which were plain violent. I dont find either of these interactive styles at all humorous. I'm sorry. You mouthed off, he left with all his prejudices perfectly reinforced... what exactly did you succeed in other than "feeling good"? Nothing that I can see. There is nothing in the replies or story I'd be proud of, or laugh at, even if I was female. I don't see humour or merit in any of the conduct described, nothing to applaud or take as role-model.

It sounds almost like you intentionally chose out of all the things which could have been said, to pick a way that you knew would most reinforce any and all negative feelings he had of women. Would you be proud, if this was the only actual real effect you had? Should we applaud the reinforcement of sexist views in another male?

As to your reply, it was not simply "dismissive". It was pure and simple racist. Note that others (more than one) saw your reply as racist, too. It bothers me, because ordinarily and I'd guess almost all the time, you're one of the most fair, open-minded and open-hearted people I know.

In common with others, I like being misrepresented about as much as I like being talked racistly to. I don't think I said in any way, "cut the poor guy some slack". I think you read in your own assumptions there. Re-read carefully - I said, more than once: "I don't like it. But I'd want to find out more before judging it". Thats not "letting him off". Thats "find out first before assuming". You may feel you know it all. Thats your right. I dont. Thats my right.

I'm sorry we differ this once. I don't understand your pride in such ineffective unsuccessful actions, nor your driving need to overthrow any questioning of it to the point where you immediately resort to using any weapon, even the strongly racist language you and I mutually despise. I'd like to talk it out some time. I feel sure we can't disagree that badly really.

To me this approach to disagreements (ie asking and discussing before concluding) is a way of life and a valid approach to most disagreements. I draw on it now, witness my present lack of anger, continued respect, continued standing by what I know of you, and continuing attempts to establish good communication, even though insulted, treated racistly, and frustrated.

Finding out more, before deciding fully what to think and how to react, is my way. It's an honourable way. Please honour and respect it as such, even though it isn't your own way.